tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53337407844771527922024-02-18T23:29:43.612-06:00From weight loss to health and then on to celebrating each day!I have been overweight for 20 years. 2 years ago I started this blog to track my weight loss but then broke my pelvic bone and lost all focus. This blog has morphed into a medical journal about diverticulitis and my journey through it. My new motto is "Celebrate Everything" so this will eventually turn into a blog about life.Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.comBlogger127125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-17883379348242359122016-08-05T11:17:00.001-05:002016-08-05T11:17:30.934-05:00Wow, just Wowso...5 months later I am living a completely and totally different life. "Sure", you say. I AM!! I took the Detox a second time and started to research angels and praying to them a lot harder and asking for their help in different areas of my life. Then I looked inside myself. I asked myself who I was and what is it that I want? And I found answers. It wasn't easy but I followed my heart and started a new life.<br />
On that note, I will be giving up this blog. I will start a new one and if you are truly interested, and have an open mind, feel free to follow me along. You will have to either comment below, Facebook private message me or shoot me an email and I will let you know the new address as soon as I have it up and running. Thanks! God Bless!! And spread the love!!<br />
<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-42121728885511673982016-02-26T08:24:00.001-06:002016-02-26T08:24:35.937-06:00Sorry it's been so long, I was in classHello!! It is February 26th! I haven't been here in forever! I feel good and life is good! I still have digestion/bowel problems that I am learning to live with and I think I always will. On that I will refrain from letting you in on my bathroom habits. Part of that kind of bites but I am still here so that part Rocks! <br />
My family is good and healthy (for the most part). My sister got her hip replaced and is back to work now! So happy for her! My hip pain has gotten better recently. I think it is related to the class I took.<br />
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So I took this Detox Your Life class. That is where I have been for the past month and a half. Two words: LIFE CHANGING. I would recommend it to everyone who has an issue of some sort even if you don't think you do. We scratched the surface of self sabotage, body image, stuffing emotions, addictions, always saying yes, anger, guilt, trust, worrying about what others think and so much more. 44 days of journaling. I went through a whole notebook and because we scratched the surface, I want to do it again. There is a closed Facebook group associated with it and I found that to be super helpful. Some days you could be a cheerleader for someone and others someone would be there for you. It was an awesome experience and I loved it. If you are interested in it, the link is here:<br />
<a href="https://sunnydawnjohnston.leadpages.co/44-day-detox-evergreen-program/">https://sunnydawnjohnston.leadpages.co/44-day-detox-evergreen-program/</a><br />
Now that it is done and I have taken a step back and looked at myself, I can see that I am more controlled; more peaceful. By that I mean that I get less caught up in the drama that unfolds around us all day, it takes me much longer to get angry, I see good all around me and I feel like a different person. Or maybe like I can be a <em>different</em> person. I still am working on things; like not getting frustrated when someone's behavior doesn't match up to what I think it should or having to always control the situation. I am a work in progress.<br />
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Now, I know, I can say these things but am I living it? I think I am. I wish I could describe how differently I feel. I feel like the fog is gone; like everything is brighter, like the weight is gone and everything is lighter. That sounds so cliché but it's true. I am going to tell you why I think what I have been doing is working (and yes, I know that I sound like I am trying to sell you something). <br />
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First, lets talk about my pain. If you remember the book I read a while back "You Can Heal Your Life", that talked about ailments in you coming from you. I read the book, soaked it in, but couldn't quite make it work. The basis of the book was to love yourself but I just wasn't pushed over the edge. This Detox class helped push me. So, back to the pain. Awful pain, limped all the time. Both hips giving me trouble. I have very little pain right now. I still have a medical problem but unless I am on my feet and/or standing still for long periods, I do just fine. Now you can believe what you want but I also need to tell you that every single pound that I lost and journaled about since the beginning of this blog is back on me. All of it. Now, for someone with hip issues, that should make it worse and it's not getting worse at all. It seems to be lightening up! I let it go too long so it will still need to be fixed but it is manageable-at least for me.<br />
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The other thing that makes me think I am living it is that after the first of the year, the girl that sat next to me at this totally awesome job started behaving oddly. She was snappy and seemed angry at me all the time. I didn't really think too much about it. I'm here to do a job. I can get along with just about anyone, so whatever. Another couple of weeks go by and I swear she has been setting me up to fail. She would give me a task but never tell me quite how to do it or only give me part of the info I would need. Or she would tell me to order a specific thing from a certain place and then when it would come wrong and people would complain, she had me to blame. If I asked a question she would snap at me so violently that I chose not to ask her anything if I didn't have to. I would fish around and come up with the answers I needed. I felt awful for thinking that she was doing it on purpose. She was a very nice person, she would never do that. Everyone loves her. It must be me. As the next week or 2 pass, I find that I have completely stopped talking at work. I'm not greeting people and talking to her-even small talk- is nearly impossible. I sit all day next to her and try to figure out why all of the sudden this person is so angry and is it me? It seems to be directed at me so it must be coming from me. Part of me wants to come unglued on her and just tell her how she is behaving and what I think of it but the other part of me knows that none of that will do anything except escalate the situation into something I have no desire to deal with. (One of the things that was said, somewhere along the path of the class was to react from a place of love. I kept running that through my head. Also, that her emotions are hers; not mine. I can't change or fix what I do not own.) So I sit, quietly and think of how lucky I am to have this job and how blessed I am. One day she just explodes. Completely out of the blue and in front of another co-worker. It was awful. I tried to speak to her but she wasn't having any of it so I gave up and sat in tension filled silence all day wondering how to escape. The next day she did it again!! Again, I sit in quiet stupor not knowing how to fix this awful, awkward situation and still not knowing what even happened or how we got to this place! Sometime, mid afternoon, she got up cleared her desk off and told me she wasn't coming back. I was dumbfounded. I guess she emailed the boss and partners but I don't know what was said or why she left like she did. All I can say is that through the whole stressful, tension filled situation, I remained calm. If anything I was frustrated at not being able to work things out but I never got caught up in the drama or became angry with her. Looking back, I have no guilt whatsoever about how I handled myself. I truly believe that I can thank the Detox class and what I learned for that. <br />
If that same situation would have happened a year ago I would have done everything except post it to Facebook! I would have been mouthing off to anyone who would listen to me and the first thing out of my mouth would have been "I hate her" when, really, I don't. I'm telling you: Life changing! <br />
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This class has opened my eyes up to how I can control myself and let go of trying to control everything around me and how being positive and happy has a way of settling in and making itself at home. I still have a long way to go and am going to take the class again. Rylee pointed out some areas in my life where I am hanging on to negative energy, so I am focusing on that. I am going to take this class again starting in March.<br />
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I am loving life. I spread myself kind of thin sometimes between social activities but I am loving every minute of it. Speaking of spreading myself thin, I recently went home for a visit and to take my mom to Target. After spending the morning with mom, we went to play Bingo wit a couple of girlfriends from high school. When I finally got there it was 7 friends from high school!! What a great day! I wish I wouldn't have had so much to do and so much on my mind because I didn't enjoy my time like I wanted to but it was still wonderful! It is hard when you are in town for a mere 30 hours to accomplish everything. Sometimes my head just buzzes with all of the different things I have to get done while I am there. But it was a fantastic weekend. I got to spend time with my mom and sister and my niece! Then my friends. And best of all was having Rylee with me for the weekend. Although she always wants to explore, which takes up time that I am already limited on, but I want to also!! She makes me feel like a kid again and I get to see the world thru a new set of eyes. She is a great roadtrip buddy.<br />
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OK, I had better post this since I have revised it 3 times due to the fact that I keep saving and not publishing, Have a great day, a wonderful weekend, be positive and open to all that is around you and love; simply LOVE!<br />
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Namaste!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-38528195701299466262015-12-31T12:02:00.002-06:002015-12-31T12:02:54.706-06:00New YearHappy New Year Everyone!! <br />
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As we move into 2016, I reflect on where I was and how far I have come in a year. I started this year out weak and recovering from being horribly ill, not thinking about God at all, and trying not to be depressed, wondering what I did to deserve my fate, and hating myself. As I have moved through the year I have come to the realization that I am here because I'm not done. I was so close to death, more than once and I am still here. There must be a reason; something unfinished, and I need to figure out what that is. I started some self-help stuff, did Reiki, learned to talk to God, went to a weekend retreat and learned that I need to love myself and have tried to live life to the fullest. Needless to say, it is a slow process. <br />
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I have had some insights: I like talking to God. I don't love myself. I am a binge eater. I can be a total bitch. I'm a mess and so is my house. I want to write a book. I am always going to have digestive issues. I'm a crier. <br />
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I bet the binge eater caught you off guard. Years ago, a friend mentioned how fast I eat when we would be at lunch; that I can carry on a conversation and still be done eating an entire meal before she is even halfway done. For some reason, this came to the forefront of my awareness this fall. I had heard the term binge eating and did some research and, lo and behold, I fit the characteristics perfectly. As 2015 leaves me, I find myself near my highest weight again. My life is unmanageable and so I eat. I eat when no one is looking and then pretend I didn't eat at all. I eat the entire time I cook and then eat the meal also. I eat twice as fast as anyone I know. My clothes don't fit and I hate myself more and more. It is hard to look in the mirror and tell myself I am loveable and that I love myself when I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. <br />
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The "I want to write a book" probably caught you off guard too. I have for years. I used to make outlines of a story plot and then never write the book. This time I came up with a scene that I could build a story around and so I actually wrote it down. I have built the story a little but time is hard to find. Especially with all the classes and journaling. If I get really involved, I may have to give up Facebook.<br />
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With the onset of 2016, I am looking at a lot of self help. I joined a "Detox" support group. It is to detox from what ever it is that you need to detox from. You pick what demon you want to exorcise. I am going to work on learning that food is not a crutch, it is necessary for life and that I need to eat to stay alive and not to hide. I can easily tell you what needs to be done. It is learning to do it that is so dang hard. I have to work on actions and habits. If it is joining Overeaters Anonymous, getting counseling, journaling or whatever I can find to get me to a healthy place, I have to learn how to do it to be healthy again. <br />
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As I close this for the day and the year, I want to tell you all to be appreciative and grateful for the people that love you. Thank God for your life and health, for His awesome presence, and remember that you are very fortunate. There are people in this world who are cold, hungry, sick and alone. Pray to your Divine Team. Try to do something kind and hug everyone you can. EVERY DAY!<br />
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Happy New Year!!! May 2016 bestow upon you all the abundance, love and good health that this universe has to offer.Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-53410774243059389382015-12-03T16:44:00.000-06:002015-12-03T16:44:09.219-06:001 quick thingI have been following a lot of spiritual self help types and they all say that it is ok and good to ask for a sign from passed loved ones. I have never done it because, it just seemed odd to me. I don't know what made me do it but last night when I took Brian out one last time before bed, I said "I hear red birds are a sign from heaven. I've never asked for a sign before but if you all can show me one, I will try to be aware and look for things." and while I said it I pictured my Dad and grandparents, aunts and uncles. Now I know it is Christmas and we are seeing more cardinals in and on stuff and in the past few weeks I have seen a few here and there. But this morning as I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, I had 12 cardinals!! 12!! Not one, not 2...12!! 12!! I am still reeling from it. <br />
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Somehow this justifies to me that all the praying, looking for positives, pushing away negatives and talking to my Divine Team; angels and passed loved ones along with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, is the path I need to be on. Someone recently said to me "take what works for you and get rid of the rest". Well, this is working. <br />
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Do something good today and tell your Divine Team about it. Then ask them to help you do more. <br />
Love and Hugs!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-39858559589398896202015-12-02T17:01:00.001-06:002015-12-02T17:01:34.452-06:00Starting to not care...I can't believe how crazy busy I have been lately. That's probably a good thing but there is always a downside. In this situation the downside is that I have been eating out more and breaking all my own rules. Instead of splitting my meal down the middle and getting a take out box, I have been just eating it. I haven't weighed myself since the last time I posted but my clothes are tighter again. My other downfall is Caribou Coffees Spicy Mocha which is only available for 6 weeks a year. Love that stuff! I need to reign myself in. <br />
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The diet pills did nothing except give me a slight headache and make me thirsty. I used them for 2 weeks. I might try them again to see if it was a fluke or not. I have still been doing the Tai Chi in the mornings and someone posted a squat challenge so I thought I would do that too. My squats suck because overweight people don't squat-it hurts our knees. So I know that I am not squatting low enough for it to be called a squat but I am going low enough to feel it. So far I have done both days of December. Gotta start somewhere, right? <br />
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On the spiritual side, I am still praying every day and I feel good about it. I have been trying to go to church every Sunday that I am home also. It feels good. I haven't been able to do the Reiki thing again but I found someone near my new office that does Cranial sacrum. I might be spelling that wrong. I am going to try that. The girl that sits next to me goes once a month and loves it. when she describes it to me it sounds a little like Reiki. Gonna give it a shot. <br />
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My job is going great. They seem to like me. The girl I sit with has a very unique personality--and I mean that positively. She makes me laugh. At this job I do a lot of the work that takes time away from the bookkeepers and accountants. I really like it and the people here are wonderful! All types of personalities and everyone gets along. <br />
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My hip has been so bad lately that I am nervous about how long I can hold out before I give in and go to the doctor. I am headed to Vegas next week. In the past, after a day or so out there the pain goes away. I have a ghost tour scheduled and it requires some walking, like a mile or more, but I didn't schedule it till the last day we would be there hoping that the dry heat would help me out. <br />
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On that note I am really excited about the ghost tour. A friend turned me on to them. She does one in every city she visits that has them. This is my first. Mostly it is a walking tour of the town with interesting history. Vegas has 2 kinds. One starts with a magic act on a stage and then they send you out to a park to 'see' ghosts with a costumed actor that serves as your guide. I felt that was a little too carnival-ish for me and I wanted Jim to go with me and there would be NO way! I looked a little farther and found one that was less theatrical and more realistic, also it was more about the mob history downtown Vegas and Jim loves that. I have a feeling the guide will still be a little theatrical but we aren't expected to 'see' ghosts so, most likely, a little more of what I want. <br />
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We are also going to a Rat Pack Revival show and Jim wants to ride the roller coaster at New York, New York. I was silly enough to say I would go on that with him The roller coaster I am a bit apprehensive about but otherwise, this is going to be a fun trip. <br />
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I am headed home with Rylee to see mom this weekend also. I also set up a couple of times to get together with some friends that I haven't seen in ages. More fun! My cousin and her mom are coming over to visit mom and I also. It is going to be a very busy weekend but well worth it! <br />
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Because it is the holiday season, I am more aware of what life was like a year ago. I have come so far both physically and spiritually. I was left on this earth for a reason. I don't know what it is but I am trying to always be at my full potential. <br />
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Hope your Thanksgiving was a happy one and I really hope you are looking at the holiday season ahead with hope and love. A new year is on the way, let's make the best of what is left of this one and jump in to the next one with both feet!! Love and Hugs to all! <br />
<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-40335485103927253222015-11-08T17:07:00.002-06:002015-11-08T17:07:36.155-06:00Onward!Not even sure where to start. I guess I always start with my health. I am still good. Scars itch like crazy and clothes still bother them but they are fading some. It has been a year since the surgery to fix my colon ended up with me having the ostomy bag while my punctured intestine healed. This was the start of the worst 2 months of my life. It is hard for me to comprehend that it was a year ago. Seems like it was yesterday. I remember the time dragging on and on. I would get up out of bed every day, go to the couch and lay down with the dog. I didn't have the energy to do anything else. I would have to rest for hours in order to have the energy to get something to eat and then back to the couch to rest for the next big adventure (usually a trip to the bathroom). It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I would watch tv but never comprehend anything I saw. I tried to blog but the effort took me most of the day. As I sit here thinking about it again I find myself crying. I thought it would never end. Even Erin stopped calling because it was too hard for her to hear me that way. From now through Christmas was a steady decline for me. I'm thankful that the surgeon agreed to do the surgery early. I really don't know how much longer I could have continued. I know that I have gotten past it physically. My weight has come back (bummer) and my hair has grown back. I even shed again! It's the mental that is harder. It creeps back at you when you least expect it and covers you like a thick fog. I just have to remember that the sun will come out and burn the fog away. It always does.<br />
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Back to my ongoing weight issue. I still haven't lost any weight. Today I went to Complete Nutrition and bought this: <a href="https://www.completenutrition.com/weight-loss/cts360-maximum/">https://www.completenutrition.com/weight-loss/cts360-maximum/</a> No clue if it will work. It smells like raspberry and I only take 2 a day. So far I have taken one and my face feels flushed but doesn't look flushed and I am using the bathroom a lot! I have a slight headache but can't tell if it is related or if I just have a small headache. I'll keep you posted on this one. <br />
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I love my new job! The people here are awesome! They are all so nice. I am still not doing much but when they give me something I am able to get it right back to them so I think they will learn my capabilities eventually and give me more tasks. I am so glad I found them. <br />
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I am still working on me and did a retreat that just reinforced everything and made me want to keep going. I am starting a 13 week online course next. I did discover that I am very judgy person. The more I let go of them, the more I see how I was. I have a huge fear of being judged (so you would think I wouldn't do it, right?) and it keeps me from doing and talking about the things that I enjoy. My family is probably the biggest part of that. Will they judge me? Don't honestly know but I have to get to a place where, if it happens, I am ready to handle it before I can talk about some things. I did open up to a group of friends about things like the retreat and what all went on and they were so incredibly supportive and interested. The full circle of that opened my eyes to some other things that I know I need to deal with but I know I am not quite ready yet. The cards say it is time but I can't step through the door. I might have to just jump. I do feel more centered. My life seems so calm lately. I think that is a direct correlation to all the study I have been doing. I am loving it!! I am spending more time praying and want to do more energy work, like the Reiki. It is hard to find the time to fit it in. I am still doing the small tai chi routine that I started. I have increased it and want to invest in a dvd to learn more than the handful of moves I have memorized. I imagine doing it on the back of the houseboat in the morning sun when the air is still cool and the lake is calm. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I can go there in my mind and that is enough. <br />
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I have also been spending more time with my friends. It helps me be stronger and knowing that they love me no matter what I do or say helps so much!<br />
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My little man, Brian, has not been feeling well. I took him to the vet and they couldn't quite figure anything out. I have a feeling he is just getting to the end of his life. He has pretty much quit walking in the mornings. He tried this morning for the first time in a week and we only went 2 blocks. When I got him home he needed me to carry him up the 7 steps into the living room. Makes me sad. I know that he won't live forever and that he has had a good run with us. Knowing I have been able to make him comfortable and safe gives me a good feeling. <br />
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I think I need to get going so take care!! Remember that you are good enough-no matter what!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-5984934104883115162015-10-23T13:44:00.002-05:002015-11-03T16:57:57.354-06:00The journey continuesI am sorry that I haven't posted more often. I have been busy with me and I love it! I have been going out with my girlfriends more often, something that 2 years ago I would have bowed out of because I didn't feel worthy of spending $20 on my self. Today, no way. I used to find ways of making myself feel guilty every time I did anything for me. I recognize it now and am changing my behavior patterns. I am going to spend every minute that I can with people who inspire me and want me to be the best me that I can. I thank God that I have those friends in my life. When I slow down and look, I can't believe how many there are!! And most of them I hadn't even realized were there for me. But they are and I see them in a whole new light now. I thank my Divine Team for opening my eyes to all of them before I let them all fade off. I am so much more aware of what is going on around me lately. <br />
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Health wise, I am good. My hip hurts like crazy, but I'm a tough chick and I will deal with it. My sister could use your prayers however, because hers might very well be worse than mine and she is struggling. It hurts me to know that she has pain. All I can do is try to support her but my way of dealing with things might not work for her. For the most part my tummy issues are gone. I do still have a lot of issues when I eat veggies and fruits which is a huge bummer but I will learn it. I had lost a couple pounds but I haven't weighed myself in a while and to tell you the truth, right now, at this very moment, I don't care what I weigh. I know I'm fat, I know I'm short and I try not to look in the mirror because I don't know the person looking back at me. The person in the mirror looks so different from the person inside me and right now I need to focus on the person inside. The person inside me has a light that has started to shine and I need to make it brighter and stronger. If the person on the outside follows suit, then fine. If not, then I will deal with her later. In the meantime, I will avoid French fries, drink more water, keep soda at a minimum and try to lean toward healthy foods. <br />
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I mentioned Reiki a while back. Just an FYI: I am sold. It might not be for everyone but after the last session she talked to me about things and gave me a few wake up calls. Keep in mind that other than my wedding ring and the fact that I told her I have hip problems, she knows nothing about me. I haven't even made small talk with this girl. But she said a few things that related directly to me and offered a sort of advise. For days afterwards I felt better too. I want to go back but she is a long way from where I work and I am not comfortable asking for long lunches yet. <br />
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That's all for now. I will talk more later. My retreat is tomorrow. I will fill you in later!!<br />
<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-32584720785215561912015-10-07T20:53:00.001-05:002015-10-07T20:53:10.746-05:00My journeyI haven't posted lately because I have been on a mission. Well, a couple of them really. We will start with health since that is what this blog is supposed to be about.<br />
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So I am still gaining weight. I have given up on the green tea. I am still watching what I eat and trying to be conscious of how much water I am drinking. I finally went to the doctor who told me that my genetics are against me and that after being starved, my body will not be happy until it has hit the highest weight I have ever been. Sadly that's only 10 pounds away but I don't want to get there! My hip is shot and I can't exercise a lot due to the pain. I am still walking the dog every morning and have started a small tai chi program but no weight loss. I might try Complete Nutrition and see if there is something there that can jump start my metabolism. So that's one journey.<br />
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The other journey has to do with my inner struggles. In the past I have said that I am not happy with myself and I have mentioned that I have taken self help classes and am studying a book. So, update on that whole thing. I have been trying to banish negatives and increase the positives. I have been praying to my Divine Team more and more. I have been praying for support, love and guidance and letting the universe know that I am open to change and open to all he good and abundance that the universe has to offer. I prayed for my job and said that I would work honestly for bosses that were good and that I was fortunate and grateful to be working. In the meantime, I had been applying all over town for different positions. The day I started praying for my job, I started getting calls for interviews.4 in one week!!! One interview went so well that I thought it couldn't be true. I must have done something wrong. It went so smooth!! I had an answer for every question and I really liked the 2 ladies interviewing me. But we live in a "if it seems to good to be true than it probably is" world and so while I hoped, I told myself it wouldn't happen. I got 2nd interviews and then a phone call!! It came on a Monday morning and the interview that went so well wanted to hire me!! I was elated!! I said yes immediately!! So pumped!! During this whole process I realized that part of my esteem problem was my job. You can only be talked down to and made to feel dumb and worthless for so long before you start to believe it. Upper management treats you like you like you don't matter; as if you are replaceable and they have no concern for you. You start to believe it. No, my bosses weren't horrible people-at all. They are good people who have lost site of how to treat others. Now I see it and I feel sorry for them. They will always have turn over in that business because they treat that certain business as if they are second class citizens and they make them feel unaccounted for; not supported. I gave my notice and started my new job 2 days ago. So far, I love it. I work in the front desk at a CPA firm. I am learning but the ladies have been super helpful and very, very friendly. I am still very new but I feel good about this place. I hope I have found the place I am going to retire from! <br />
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I also have to tell you about this event I go to every year with my girlfriends. It is called Pin Up on the Plains. We did the standing room only the first year and decided to get a table the second year. Loved it so much we got a table again. It ends up being expensive but is so empowering! There are no men allowed. It is only women. The past 2 years they have had fashion shows with everyday women. Not models. This year they put out a casting call and anyone could try out to be a model. My friend Carly did it and got a call back!!! Those of us who know Carly see her beauty and her grace. I have to tell you that she was so incredibly beautiful that she literally glowed!!! She seemed happier and more alive than ever! I don't think I could ever have the courage to go on stage in my underwear and I couldn't be more proud of her for just doing it! She was amazing and I think it was good for her. Cant wait for next year!<br />
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I'm not done with this journey, I even have a retreat scheduled in a couple weeks. I will be a better me even if I'm not thinner! Love those around you and recognize the little things that make you happy. Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-63375215595457393822015-09-15T09:21:00.003-05:002015-09-15T09:21:42.389-05:00Disgruntled But ThankfulI am feeling a little disgruntled. I can not lose weight. I have been drinking green tea--brewed myself- for weeks and a ton of water. I have lowered my carbs and portion sizes-I haven't eliminated anything- and have increased my veggie intake by a lot!! Almost all of my snacks now involve a tomato or cucumber. I haven't lost anything! Last night for supper my hubby wanted pizza subs. I made mine with fresh tomatoes, pepperoni, green olives and cheese. I ate only half and put the other half in the fridge for tonight. Could I have eaten the whole thing? Hell yes! But my brain was stronger than my stomach so I won out. My guilty pleasure last night: 2 M&M's. Yep, 2. And lunch was a tomato and some cottage cheese. So why can't I lose weight?!?! <br />
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I tossed around the idea that my body is afraid I am going to starve it again and won't let go of anything. I am pulling out that thought again. I made a doctor appointment for Fri afternoon to get an opinion from someone who knows more than I do on that topic. I could be on to something or I could be barking up the wrong tree. I am, don't get me wrong, VERY happy to be relatively healthy. I will never forget what it was like to not have the energy to get a glass of water or take the dog out. That was a very dark time and I am grateful that I am past it.<br />
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I have a couple other things going on in my life right now, that I really want to talk about but are of a more private nature. I'll touch on the self help things I have been doing. It's no secret that I have been studying the book "You Can Heal Your Life". I love it. It has become increasingly easier to think of positives before the negatives lately and I credit the book for helping me change the way that I think. I even did a couple of classes of sorts. They were on conference calls and we all listened in. I did 2 weeks of them so far. Very enlightening. She talks about using your intuition and of Spirit. Spirit is whatever higher power you believe in. For me that would be God and judging from her talk, I would have to say it is for her as well. She said something that stuck with me and I'm not sure why. She said that we all pray or talk with Spirit and ask for help but what we don't think of are the thousands of angels at our disposal that we never talk to or ask for help from. Again, I don't know why that stuck with me. I have never asked angels for help, support, guidance or love. So now when I pray, I pray to my Divine Team. My own personalized team of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, loved ones past and any angels who may be listening. I have so much more peace. It seems silly, I know. I told you these were of a more private nature so no laughing at me! Every day I ask for support, guidance and love from my Divine Team and I thank them for the previous days support, guidance and love. I tell them my goals of bringing more positive thoughts into my life and ridding myself of negative behaviors, habits and thinking and ask them for their help with those. I feel better! Give it a try if you feel inclined to do so. That's why I am sharing this one, because it is too good to keep to myself.<br />
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In the middle of all of these classes and study, I popped open my email and there was a groupon thing for Reiki. I have heard of it. I think I thought of it as maybe a little hokey. I bought it and tried it because I figured it was out in front of me for a reason. I didn't go looking for it, it came to me. I was having a bad day, pain wise, and limped in. I laid on her table and she did her thing. If you don't know what Reiki is, this is what the International Center for Reiki Training says: "<span style="background-color: white;">Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy." You really feel nothing. It was like I was resting and she held her hands a few inches above me and occasionally rested them on me. If I concentrated, I thought it felt like waves lapping at me but that may have been my imagination. Either way, </span><span style="background-color: white;">I walked out with no pain and a few other 'good' things fell into my lap in the next 24 hours. I still don't know how I feel about it but I can definitely</span><span style="background-color: white;"> say that it doesn't hurt to keep an open mind and a positive attitude and try new things. I am still reeling from the other opportunities that came into my world and hopefully in a few weeks, I can talk about those too.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">We took the houseboat out of the lake this year. It was so smooth!! I had 'worse case scenarios' running through my head and none of them even remotely came true!! The one thing I hadn't thought of was the trailer fishtailing out of control during the haul. Thankfully, Jim is a seasoned hauler and didn't lose control of the whole thing. Now he can get the pontoons cleaned up like he wants and then get them repainted. Might be our chance to replace a board here and there also. But with the boat out, lake season is officially over. Makes me a little sad. The muskrats were especially active this weekend as were the chipmunks. I don't know who gets startled more, us or them! I may have even caught a glimpse of my otter splashing on the shoreline of the other point. When the guys all left to take the pontoon out, I sat out on my dock in the sun one last time. I do love that little backyard of mine. While sitting, I tried to list all the wildlife that is back there. Dragonflies, Swallows, Red-wing Blackbirds, Loons, Ducks, Geese, Herons, Sunfish, Bullheads, Bass, Box Turtles, Snapping Turtles, Muskrats, Frogs, Otter, Beaver, and the occasional Eagle or Osprey overhead. This weekend I actually saw a snake leave our side of the bay and swim across to the other side!! I watched him until I lost him among the lily pads. While very cool, I did find it a little unnerving. You expect fish and turtles in the water but a snake?! </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">I am going to sign off for now. Be thankful for everything in your life. Find the hidden message if you can and keep thinking positive!! Love and Hugs!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-43305944970564575742015-08-19T16:03:00.002-05:002015-08-19T16:03:22.614-05:00Finding myselfI always feel like I need to start things off with a weight or medical update. So here it is: I got nothing. I am healthy. Fat and healthy. My hips hurt like there is no tomorrow and I don't know how much longer I can keep on ignoring the pain or taking large doses of naproxen, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen. In order to lose weight I tried the "make my husband pay me and go for external gratification" thing and that did not pan out. I didn't gain or lose anything. I have cut down on what I eat, how much I eat, quadrupled my water intake and am now drinking green tea!!! Nothing. So frustrating! I do not want to go back on pills. My scars still hurt after a day of waistbands and I don't think that will go away for a very long time. My stomach acid scar seems to be fading, so there's that...<br />
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I started kind of studying this book. I may have mentioned it in the last post. It is called "You Can Heal Your Life". In general, it says that most of what is wrong with you is, in a sense, coming from within you. Negative spews negative, positive promotes positive. Being overweight is a cover for something and you need to find what you are shoving down. Same thing with some pains. I have been treating this book like a textbook not just a read so it is going slowly and I am trying to take the exercises very seriously. <br />
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So far I have been able to let go of some anger issues that I had that stemmed from my childhood that I wasn't aware I even had. Even more remarkable is that looking back on my youth and reminiscing with myself I discovered that I really didn't like the person I was or the person I have been. I come off as shallow, preoccupied with myself , needing to be right and involving myself in things I didn't need to be involved in. When I dug deeper and asked why; what got me to that, I was shocked at my own answer. Acceptance. I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and have never felt accepted. Even now. Surrounded by friends and family there are precious few moments when I feel like I am accepted. That is not saying that my friends and family don't accept me! It is saying that I do not know how to read it. I have wanted it for so long that I can't recognize it when it is staring me in the face. Even in my own household I can feel like an outsider; like I am just there but not a part of the family. Like they just tolerate my presence. While logically, I know that it isn't like that at all, I still feel it. And why? Why do I feel like that? Why is this so important? Where did it start and when? <br />
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I can track the conscience feeling of being unacceptable and not being good enough back to grade school but I must have had it before that. I can honestly tell you that after my dad passed away it escalated. I can look back at previous relationships/friendships and it is so clear now. Here's where I would laugh and blame my mother, but that isn't so funny anymore as the reality of things is starting to sink in. I carried that with me everywhere and it shows. I still carry it. I can be sitting with my kids and feel like I'm not good enough to be their mom or at a table with friends and wonder if they really like me or if they just tolerate me. I am shocked at how strong this is and how deep it runs! <br />
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I was talking with a group of friends last week and Jen told me that I <i>REALLY</i> had to work on my self esteem. That I was capable and qualified and I needed to stop telling myself I wasn't. She might as well have slapped me. She is absolutely right. I tell myself "I can't" all the time. By telling myself that, I just confirm and justify the very thing I need to go away. Last night I was with Nikki and I did it out loud! I was trying to tell her how much I admire the 5k's and 10k's that she runs and the intense yoga that she does. She countered with you can do it too and let me know that she walk/runs them and that I can start in a beginner yoga class. I actually said out loud that "I can't". <br />
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I am going to keep exploring this book and see if I can get to the root of why I feel worthless, unacceptable and not good enough. If I can get past those barriers imagine what I can conquer. <br />
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Spread the love people!! And be good to yourself!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-72569866111318033052015-08-04T07:39:00.000-05:002015-08-04T07:39:15.914-05:00Frustration at its finestStill nothing. I can't take this weight off and I am becoming increasingly frustrated by it. I have increased my water, halved my portions, started eating breakfast, cut back on coffee (with sweetener), added exercise, and even did better at the lake with snacking. Still nothing. It probably doesn't help that a couple of things in my life are very stressful right now but you would think there would be something. I am going to try yoga tonight. Hoping my hip will cooperate. <br />
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I am also reading (studying) a book that was recommended to me called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. Some of it seems a little hokey but she lectures on the premise of everything around you comes from you. Kind of a 'what you put out is what comes back' thing. She says that the things that make us unhappy, like weight, are manifestations of something we are pushing away. Since I am an emotional eater, I might have to agree with that. I just have to deal with some inadequacies first. After I figure out what they are.<br />
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Summer is almost over. Three weeks till school starts, 10 days till Rylee and I tour a college, 34 days till the anniversary of when I got sick last year. There was a time when I wasn't sure I would be here for this. It would have been so easy to give up. Some days writing in this blog took me all day but it seemed to give me a purpose beyond the needs of my family. It's a beautiful thing to be looking backwards at the whole experience. <br />
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Hug your loved ones and be thankful for every day!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-38881474712241986602015-07-27T15:23:00.000-05:002015-07-28T06:49:05.247-05:00The start of another week!I haven't got much to tell but by the time I am done it will feel like I have been talking for days. Friday came and went and I don't know what to make of it. I'll explain. So I get up, go to get in the shower and remember that I need to weigh myself. I weigh myself and I am down .2 lbs. Not enough to get money but enough that I don't have to pay it back either. I get on and off the scale a few times. Nothing changes, Yay! Then it dawns on me that Jim did an overnight and I would have to have proof of my weight. So I walk to the kitchen, get my phone to take a photo of the scale and walk back to the bathroom. I get back on the scale and WHAT??!! I am .2 higher than last week. How does a person gain .4 lbs by walking 25 feet??? I get off and back on. I put the phone down and did it again. No change. Totally frustrated I gave up and got in the shower. I called Jim and told him about it and deemed it an even week! No one pays anyone else. <div>
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We had friends in town for a few days. I love this family! They love my girls. We really need to live closer to them but in a wild and crazy move they up and went to Arkansas. It was a wonderful opportunity for them and it has worked so well for their family. I really am happy for them. But I do miss Nic like crazy. We met up at another mutual friends house on Fri night and then again for a quick goodbye on Sat. Had a blast. So glad they were able to come for a visit. </div>
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When I got back from saying goodbye to Nicole, I jumped into my basement. I have learned that part of the reason I dislike my lower level is that it is the catch all and it is always a mess. It's the area that stuff gets dumped in. It's stagnant, dreary and just overall yucky. The rooms have great paint jobs, with light colors but because no one is ever down there, the blinds are always closed and it just gives off a creep feel. I went down on Sat and started cleaning out old files, putting boxes back to how they should be, trying to reorganize and open up some space. I got rid of 3 smallish boxes, a small tote and a bag of papers, went through the girls school boxes and emptied out a file cabinet that no one uses. I think I will take the file cabinet and transform it into photo storage. Because those are a mess also! Erin's old room will also get some of this cleaning mojo as will the storage closet under the stairs. I have just offered an extra bookshelf to a coworker. She got a kids rug and some stuff for the walls too. One man's junk is another man's treasure, right? I want to finish the knotty pine wainscoting in Erin's room too before she comes home to visit this winter. I got a few loads of laundry done and all the rugs washed and hung out on the deck to dry. Felt good, but now I want to finish. </div>
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I spent my Saturday and Sunday evenings watching Harry Potter movies on abc family. I am a definite Potter fan. Leave Star Trek and Star Wars to my husband, I want Potter! So after a few too many hours spent geeking out and a lot of hard work, my weekend came to an end. I was sad to see it end. I needed a few more days to get things a little more organized. Sadly, it will be awhile before I get a good tackling weekend again. </div>
Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-6934950790786596982015-07-21T07:45:00.003-05:002015-07-21T07:45:16.547-05:00Not too shabby!I threw my husband a 50th birthday party on Thurs. It wasn't a total surprise but I do think it was somewhat of a surprise. There were a bunch of friends and family and lots to drink and all the pizza you could eat. It was a great night. It was wonderful to see everyone and he was surprised at how many people came out to celebrate with him! For those that bought him shots, I will not thank you. The after effects drug right on into the vacation day that I got him the following day. LOL! Not to mention the fact that he opened all his gifts right after the party and wouldn't let me write down who gave him what so we have 2 of 3 t-shirts and a shot glass that I have no idea who they came from. Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate with him and all of the cards and gifts. He is very loved!<br />
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I only had 3 small slices of pizza and some wine because I knew that the following day was my weigh in. I did weigh myself. I was down a little over a pound!! Weighed in at 189.2!! Not a lot but it is something! And it scored me a $20!! The first of my travel fund. Considering I hadn't had any water the evening before, that's not too bad. I have a feeling if I don't get my poop in a group, I'll be paying it back this week though!<br />
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On not such a good note, my weekend was hell! I have a junk food obsession. I don't have any all week and then I get to the lake and I eat nothing but chips all weekend! We aren't talking a handful; I'm talking by the half bag!! I sit and visit or read and drink and fill my face! Jim put deer sausage down (I don't even like this last batch) and I ate and ate!! It is crazy! I definitely have a problem. It is going to take me all week to make up for it! Yesterday I was still having junk food cravings and I caved in to them! I think I brought a little too much for lunch but before I warm it, I will reevaluate. I did bring a veggie though!<br />
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On a better note, in the past, I have gone whole weekends without even having a bottle of water. This weekend I had at least 5-6. Not fabulous, but better. Now if I could avoid Doritos, Cheetos, Lays, etc! As of Monday, I am back up to my 2 jugs plus more at home in the evening. <br />
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My sister is battling her weight as well. She is going to OA. I am proud of her. Many years ago, I tried to go to OA but I couldn't get myself to go inside. It takes a lot to face something that you find comfort in and to call it an addiction. Seems like such a dirty word, but then I guess food is a 4-letter word. I still don't know if I could do it. Instead, I am taking some self-help classes that I found online. Last week was 5 days of teleconference style lectures. I got a lot out of them and had a private session with the instructor. I am going to read a book she recommended and write some 'never-to-be-read' letters and see if I can get a handle on what emotions make me eat, how to release the negative and why I can't just face the emotions. There are other aspects of the class but basically my goal is emotions or 'feels' as my girls call them. I have a ton of feels that I suppress and when they come out it is either in bursts of passive-aggressive anger or depression. Either way I shove them back down and bury them with a big plate of pasta and life is good. Realistically, it's not. I need to learn to deal with emotions. I have the hardest time being happy. I'm not. Not really. I couldn't tell you the last time I was. Maybe I never have been. But I'm going to be. I didn't tattoo 'Celebrate Everything' on my tummy so I could ignore it. I look at it every day and it hurts. It hurts that I don't feel happy. I don't feel like there is anything to celebrate. Most days I don't feel anything at all. I can pull up bitterness, anger, pain and disappointment in a split second. Happiness, joy, love and gratitude are harder to find; harder to bring forward. Some days they don't show at all. I don't want that life. I realize there are factors in my life that foster the negative and hinder the positive. I also realize that there must be a way to let go of negative and learn to live without feeding it all the time. I want to feel again.<br />
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If I don't post this soon, I will just keep writing and it will be so long, no one will want to bother with it. Think positive, (yes, I'm going to try to follow my own advise) say a prayer for someone who needs one and have a wonderful day.<br />
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<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-89967451493128147382015-07-14T12:15:00.003-05:002015-07-14T12:15:38.282-05:00Still drinking a ton of water!Ok, maybe it's not literally 2000 pounds but for me, its a lot. Every day I fill my jug at work twice. I think it is a 32 ounce jug and that puts me at a gallon of water a day!! <br />
Sat was a tough day for me. I was running around in the morning and didn't take a water bottle with me. I did take my jug to the lake and proceeded to drink a half gallon or more of iced tea and then a few bottles of water. Sunday was a little better, but still not enough water and I did break down and have a Coke. We ordered pizza and garlic knots for supper. I love the garlic knots from Papa Johns. I had 2 garlic knots and 1 slice of pizza. I thought that was pretty good. Monday was right back to normal!<br />
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I had a Birds Eye steamer for lunch yesterday. It was an Italian something with lentils, rice, white beans, broccoli and spinach. It was, hands down, the most tasteless thing I have ever eaten! The best part is, the package said that it was 2 servings so I saved half for today. I get to eat it again! LOL! Jim grilled me a chicken burger for supper. I ate it without the bun. I added a baked potato and some corn. Not a bad meal but my body can't take that many veggies. I am paying for it today. I actually have weird pains and only because they are low on the left where they did the repair work, I have myself a little freaked out about it. So today I will eat the other half of my tasteless meal and not have a veggie for supper. It's hard to diet and eat well when your body rebels.<br />
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I have been exercising too. Well, not Sat or Sun, but every other day! Still not tons but 10 minutes a day. The planking is torture and hopefully won't hurt me. I was told not to ever do sit ups or crunches due to all the stomach surgeries. I could give myself a hernia. Hope planks are ok. I am getting a little bit more of a pattern and a routine started. Squats are getting easier but I noticed when I did leg lifts that my left leg (the one with the bad hip) doesn't have much strength in it so when I do squats I am trying to concentrate on using my legs equally and not push more on my right. <br />
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I most likely won't get a chance to blog on Fri. I will see how my morning goes and maybe...<br />
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Love deeply and spread joy!!<br />
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<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-68116402582893675522015-07-10T09:37:00.003-05:002015-07-10T09:42:30.463-05:00Some things are working, others are notSuch is life. While the "getting paid for losing weight" hasn't panned out, I am proud of what I have accomplished this week even if I didn't lose any pounds.<br />
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If you remember, my plan was to weigh myself in front of Jim (poor guy) and then have him pay me if my weight was down a pound or more. If it was up then I had to give him back money. We weren't in the same place last week so he wasn't there to get a starting weight with. He was here this morning when I weighed in at 190. I have actually gained 2 lbs since June 26th!!! That is awful!!! I have gained 30+ pounds since January!!! WTH?! I am so incredibly disgusted with myself. I can't stand to even look in a mirror. I have upped my game already and can't even imagine what my weight would have been had I not. </div>
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This week I have halved my portions. If I usually took 2 slices of pizza for lunch then this week I took 1. If I had put half my supper away for lunch the next day then I only took half of the remaining half to work and made it last 2 days instead of 1. For example, yesterdays food intake was:</div>
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1/2 serving of mini cheddar popcorn cakes</div>
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20 oz of coffee with creamer</div>
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1 slice of bbq chicken pizza</div>
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1/2 serving of mini cheddar popcorn cakes</div>
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1 chicken burger with cheese and bacon in it with a bun and condiments</div>
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1/2 cup corn-no butter</div>
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1 cup of green tea</div>
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70+ ounces of water</div>
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I'm pretty proud of myself. Granted, I had bad days too. Wednesday I went out with some friends and I think I dove head first into the appetizers. Pretty picture, I am sure. (insert eye roll)</div>
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I actually started with my little dumbbell weights and, while I don't do a ton, I do something. I have never, and I truly mean never, exercised. So yes, I am starting really slow. Five min has morphed into almost ten and that is added to my short little walk with Brian in the morning. I will get there. I am not following a plan so I get a little off track. I wish I knew more yoga moves. I do a couple yoga moves, some mountain climber things, squats, twists, leg lifts, some different arm things using the weights, planks and even use my bottom step and go up and down over and over like a stair climber. My problem is I don't have a routine or a rep count so I'm all over the place and I forget so I don't always do all of the different exercises. I'll keep doing this willy nilly stuff until I get some kind of routine worked out. But I'm doing something! Go me!</div>
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I was talking to a friend, without whom I would be failing at this. She has been keeping me on track and I can't thank her enough. But my topic was how can a person not change their eating habits and gain 30 or more lbs.? So I changed my eating habits and after a week have no results. 0. I know, it's only a week. But I thought I would see a few ounces. So my question or concern is this: Because I have seen such rapid weight gain after being so sick could it be because I was so sick? Did having all those infections, being severely dehydrated and having my liver and kidney functions go all whack do something to my body? Can my body not readjust now? Does it think I am still starving and it needs to stockpile? Is that even possible and if it is, how do you tell and how do you fix it? Feel free to comment or facebook message me if you know something or have an idea. I am stumped. I do not want to do all the Dr visits that come with phentermine. But I am open to suggestions.</div>
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Have a great weekend everyone!! Enjoy your family and friends and every minute you get to be with them.</div>
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Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-25427449201761608082015-07-01T12:23:00.000-05:002015-07-01T12:23:08.088-05:00Summary of my week so farI should have weighed myself Monday morning but it might have been more than I could take. Weekends are my biggest downfall. I told myself snacks were ok as long as they were measured. But then I would measure out some more and some more. UGH! Did I exercise? Hell, no! I am the laziest person I know. I still walk Brian 5 days a week unless it is raining and again, we don't go far because I don't want to carry a bag of poop with me so I time it just right so we get back home and he can go in our yard.. But I still haven't done anything beyond that. I could say it again, "maybe tonight", but I have very little faith in myself. I wish I could remember how I got down this far and what motivated me. <br />
Sunday night was really bad! I didn't eat lunch and I should have. Rylee went out and came home with cupcakes. We had one as a snack and it was so sweet that I about died of a sugar coma. Then, because I couldn't make the sweet go away, I ended up overeating for supper. Granted it was potatoes, broccoli and cheese, but still! Then at bedtime, Rylee, bless her heart, brought me the other one and it was cheesecake! I was done. Thankfully, she had to help me eat that one. On top of all of this, I drank juice instead of water. I was a walking nightmare! <br />
I need motivation. Yes, I want to be skinny but that is too easy to put on the back burner. I despise competitions and they will actually sabotage me. I do not like shopping so the promise of new clothes doesn't do it for me. I want to travel but that is a money thing. I went online and did a half dozen or so "what motivates you" tests. I learned things about myself that I knew but have never really looked at before. <br />
I can meet a deadline at work, plan an entire wedding in 6 weeks, but not set aside time to paint my toes. Why? Because it isn't important enough. Why isn't it? Because it only affects me. I never hold myself accountable to myself for myself. I won't try harder where I am considered because I won't reward myself. In a nutshell, I need external affirmation and rewards. <br />
Here is where it gets weird and I thank God my husband loves me. I went to Jim and asked him to weigh and pay me every Fri morning. If I lose more than a pound (it has to be at least a pound) than I get $20 for my travel fund. If I gain then I have to pay him back $20. There is the potential to 'earn' $80 a month or over $1000 a year. I am hoping that having to answer to someone else to get my reward will keep me accountable and that having a 'punishment' will also help. I know this is weird but if I can make it work it will be great!! <br />
It might not work for everyone or they might not have a husband who is willing to play along with all their quirks. My suggestion: go take the tests online to see what motivates you. Take more than one and jot down some key points that the results show. Look over your key points when you're done and see what you come up with. Don't be afraid to try something dumb or odd. You never know what will change your life.<br />
<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-19440485698751371622015-06-26T14:59:00.001-05:002015-06-26T14:59:40.430-05:00Well, it's FridayI will start with my challenge to change my behavior. It's hard. I tried to eat better. Half of what I wanted was the goal. So I had half a piece of egg bake, half of what would have been a normal serving of pizza for me, etc. I didn't do so good on the Steamer bags that I bring for lunch; rice and broccoli or pasta and broccoli. I ended up eating the whole bag. Gotta think of a better plan for lunch, I guess. Rylee had me try refrigerator oats. Basically, it is oatmeal that you let sit overnight in the fridge instead of cooking. I have a very bad tummy now. I can't eat a salad yet because it is just too much. I think the oats is the same way. My suppers went ok. Instead of half, I tried to eat a decent portion size and did not go back for seconds. If at all possible, I went with something that had meat in it. All in all, better, not great. This weekend is going to be tough. Who am I kidding? All weekends are tough for me. I am a born grazer. I am going to make a conscious effort to distance myself from snacks that are around. Might end up sitting on the boat a lot. <br />
I have walked Brian every morning and today we went twice as far and added on 10 minutes to our routine. I am calling that my 10 minutes because I really haven't done anything else this week. By the time I was done the pain was pretty good in my left hip and my legs were feeling it. I don't think I could have gone farther if I wanted to. I really despise that. I like being active and I am so done with pain. But I felt good about what I had accomplished. <br />
I would love to walk Brian at the lake but there are 2 problems with that. Once you walk him somewhere, he thinks it is ok to go there; even without you. I do not need him strolling off down the road and getting into trouble. Also, I have heard that there is at least one dog on the lake road that is less than friendly. No one seems to tie up their pooches and I don't want to 'meet' anyone who isn't going to be a buddy. Might have to try the water bottle weights to get a little extra exercise in. Also supposed to be a hot one, so maybe some swimming wouldn't kill me. Not sure if I can get the kayak in and out by myself or not. If I can, I might use that too.<br />
I'll try to get in an update and a weight on Monday. Earlier this week I had topped out at 188. That is what I was when I got sick last Sept. It is definitely time to work on being conscious of what I put in my mouth. I just wish I didn't enjoy it so much!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-26320745766987255712015-06-23T11:14:00.000-05:002015-06-24T06:16:49.559-05:00Talking with my sister led me to thisI was talking with my sister about my blog and weight and struggles. She has some of the same problems that I do with food. We were talking genetics. Most of the women on both sides of my family are built similar to myself and I would bet that we all struggle. But how do you get around that? Am I genetically predisposition-ed to be this size or can it be changed? And how?<br />
I was reading an interview with Channing Tatum about how he stays in shape. He said that he looks at food as sustenance; something his body needs, not a reward. NOT A REWARD!?! I need that mind set. I look at lunch as a reward for getting through the morning and supper as a reward for making it through the afternoon. Coffee is my reward for getting out of bed and going to work. Junk food is my weekend, because "I've earned this" food. He also said that food isn't something that he enjoys. WHAT!?!?! Isn't that what chefs around the world do for a livelihood? Make food more enjoyable? I want to say he is missing something but he is in a helluva lot better shape than I am so I guess it is me that is missing something. <br />
I do my fair share of joking about my eating and drinking habits and my body shape but there really isn't anything funny about it. I have joked about having a cupcake as a meal. Well, I guess it wasn't so much a joke as me trying to make my bad behavior funny. I know that I have problems. <br />
Today, I brought half of what I call a pizza sandwich (it is a sad substitute for Carbone's) for lunch. And since I mentioned it, I now have to explain that to me Carbone's is the best pizza on the face of the earth. Why? Probably because it reminds me of my hometown, hanging out with friends and being a teenager. Again, food gratification. Anyway, back to topic. I brought a half of a pizza sandwich for lunch. I am immensely proud of the fact that I no longer feel the need to eat a whole one in a sitting. (unless it is an original from Carbone's, then I feel like I have to eat the whole thing and I justify it by saying I am on vacation and I get to) I really don't need to eat the whole half. I want to, but I will survive if I don't scarf it down. When I put it in the fridge, I noticed that I still have cottage cheese in the fridge. I will have half of my half of pizza for lunch with a small amount of cottage cheese. I can have the same lunch tomorrow. <br />
I was going to start an exercise program at home with some stretches and some small dumbbells. It is much more fun to sit on my butt and read. I started and finished an entire book yesterday. I have been telling myself for well over a week that I am going to exercise, even if it is just a small amount at first and I simply haven't done it. I justify it with the fact that I have pain. That really is no excuse. People who run religiously must have pain but they still run. I have heard of a runner's high. I have never experienced it. The harder I exercise the more I want to eat. If I ride bike for 10 miles, it had better be to an ice cream shop. I need the feeling of being thin and healthy and thinking I look better to feel as good and satisfying as my favorite foods or all foods for that matter. <br />
I have a friend who I am incredibly jealous of for all the wrong reasons. She does yoga, some kind of nutrition boot camp, and has done 5K's and probably half marathons. She looks amazing to me and I know for a fact that she has pain. She seems as fit today as we were in our 20's. She has invited me to join her but I am afraid. How sad is that? It's the truth. I am scared. I'm scared of people looking at me and judging me. I'm afraid that my inability and unhealthy-ness will lower her opinion of me. I am scared that I can't physically do it. So I don't do anything.<br />
Maybe that is a large part of my problem. I'm afraid. Maybe it is about overcoming my fear. My fear of not being satisfied. You would think that being fat would be a greater fear of being judged than being sweaty and uncoordinated. But I can eat half a bag of Doritos's and make that go away. It is like food can shove other feelings aside. And that is probably what I am really afraid to let go of. The ability to make it all better with a plate of nachos or a casserole; the ability to turn any meal or snack into a celebration or reward of something. <br />
It's one thing to put all this down on paper. It's another to attack it head on. It's just not that easy. So this is step one. Acknowledgement. Step two is change. I understand the logic behind change and know that it has to be done in small steps. So today I will eat only half of everything I want and I will attempt to exercise for 5 minutes. However, if I don't exercise, I will not beat myself up about it. I will simply do it tomorrow. I have 4 days to do 10 minutes. I will also try to drink more water. I will continue to eat half of what I want to eat for the rest of this week. But before the week is out, I have to exercise for at least 10 minutes total. More is good but too high a goal will only bring failure and the need to push failure down with food will sabotage the other half of my plan. I will not set myself up for that. <b> Half of what I want to eat, drink more and 10 min of exercise by the end of Friday-that's the goal</b>. I'll let you know how it goes. I am usually computer free over the weekend, so I may not get back to this until Monday. If that is the case, I will continue to eat half of what I want to eat over the course of the weekend and drink more water than I usually do.<br />
I am not a competitor so I don't want to see who can do better than the other, but I will challenge anyone who can relate to this post to join me. Attempt the goal listed above. You don't have to tell me about it. But if you succeed and it makes you feel better about yourself than keep up the good work! I will let you know how I do and will attempt to post another goal next week. If I can make this one, I will increase the exercise a little. Baby steps, right?<br />
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Celebrate you!!!<br />
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<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-54655694602179801122015-06-17T06:13:00.000-05:002015-06-17T06:13:08.986-05:00I am out of controlI cannot quit eating portions that are way too big or snacks that I know I don't need. I eat to celebrate, I eat to pout, I eat when I'm happy, sad, angry, bored, anxious and for every other emotion out there or just because it's there. None of my darn clothes fit again and I hate myself for it, which just makes me want to eat. I am horribly unhappy at work, so I go home and eat until I eventually fall asleep. My self esteem is so low I can't even find it. I just find myself hating on myself. I just don't know what to do and I have no motivation to even do anything. I have excuses. I can't do yoga or walk because of my hip. I stomach feels icky so I'm going to take it easy. My allergies are bad so I'm going to stay inside. I have more excuses than I have reasons for excuses. <br />
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The worst part is that I was given a second chance and I feel like I am ruining it!! I was given the opportunity to live and I am making a miserable mess of it. I have got to get my poop in a group and fast!! Am I happy? Sure, in the jolly sort of way. I guess overall, I'm not unhappy. Are there things I would like to fix, do, change? Sure. Everyone has that. But I want to be active, sexy, funny and living life to the fullest. I don't feel like I am doing any of that. At all. That disappoints me. <br />
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On the medical front, all seems well. I woke up this past Sat with a bloated, full icky feeling. Had a minor explosion and took some peppermint (my stomach cure all) but still felt icky. Spent most of the day taking it easy, drinking water and an occasional Coke. Had a decent supper, meaning no grease or junk food. Still couldn't shake it. Woke up with it again Sunday, Monday and still today. I am eating alright, but I feel icky and have to use the bathroom a lot. I have only had a few cramps and they are way higher than they used to be. I guess I will just keep an eye on things for now. It could be a bug too. OH!! My hair is growing back in! I have little chunks that are wispy and about a half inch long coming in. Too bad they are white!! One chunk is in my bangs. That was how I noticed they were coming in.<br />
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On to a brighter note. My youngest daughter turned 16 last week. She is a wonderful young lady and I couldn't be more proud of her. She makes me smile. We celebrated her birthday early when we were in Connecticut with her sister. A cool, gloomy day but we made the best of it. We celebrated again a week later at the lake with a bunch of us girls and her dad all going out to eat followed by cupcakes, cheesecake cupcakes and DQ Blizzard cake. (Yes, I see the pattern). She is working this summer transporting a little girl to and from gymnastics. She loves it and I think, loves the responsibility that comes with having a young one in the car with you. So grown up, that one.<br />
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I mentioned I was in Connecticut. The whole family went out there to visit with my oldest daughter and her husband. He had a few days off of work so we actually got to spend time with both of them. It was glorious!! I got to meet the people that my daughter works with and tour her husbands workplace. My highlight of the trip, besides seeing where my son in law spends the bulk of his time, was the Gillette Castle. I GOT TO GO TO A CASTLE!!!! (insert happy dance!) I love castles. So much!! This one was built by hand out of field stone just like all of the charming little rock walls that dot the New England countryside. It was built by the actor that played Sherlock Holmes not the Gillette razor people.. If you ever get out that way, you HAVE to go see it. Every door is hand carved and no two doors are alike. The latching mechanisms and bolts are all carved even. All of the windows are adjustable with hand carved latches and such. He was even smart enough to install a cistern on the upper floor with a hand carved rope and wood pull chain to activate it. He had designed a bar that he could slide a piece of wood out of and it would lock. He had a small door installed into the main entry staircase so if he was working and someone knocked, he wouldn't have to run through the entire house to get to the door. All over the grounds are arches and bridges and pathways made of stone. So charming. There was a long path that went down to the river below. From what we had learned in the castle the owner had kept a houseboat down there! My husband and youngest went down to have a look. The bedrooms were neither huge or elaborate. But like the other rooms had hand carved furniture, doors and windows. All of the walls had woven grasses on them. Not sure if it was for insulation or a sound thing but it was neat. Also, Fun Fact: the actor that built this castle had a Japanese (i think) man servant who went everywhere with him. He even built him a house on the grounds. He was part of the family that brought the first cherry blossom tree to DC. <br />
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In a roundabout way, that leads me into our houseboat. I have a floating efficiency apartment. It is a little slice of heaven. I love to go down and just sit on it. We run electricity to it and I have a lamp but other than the occasional fan or heater, I prefer candle light out there. We have it parked in a little bay off the lake lot that belongs to our extended family. I call the bay my back yard. It is full of lily pads and bullheads, turtles and geese, ducks and loons, muskrats and black birds, swallows and even an otter. It is the time of year that I love. There are baby black birds all over the boat and the cattails, the baby loons are swimming with mom, the ducklings should be out soon and this year I have a baby muskrat! We have also seen a couple of big snapping turtles making their way in and out of the water to nest. The big muskrat has swam up within 5 feet of me, the baby has been within 1 foot of my sister in law and the loon has come close to me a couple of times. The baby birds will land on the rail a few feet from you and pay you no attention. They are so used to us being there and we never chase or move to quick when they are around to scare them off. We just live in harmony. It is so wonderful! I wish my mom were healthier and able to visit because she would never want to leave. I tried to plant daisies along the dock but my timing was off. I planted the seeds and then the guys manhandled the dock out and put in another and shortly after that we got some major downpours. I am guessing all my seeds washed away. I might have to try again. There is someone clearing a lot on the other side of my bay. (I say 'my' because I have claimed squatter's rights to the little patch of water. OK, not really, but I would if I knew how!) I'm a little distressed at the prospect of having neighbors and even more saddened by the fact that some of my wildlife might move out if they feel threatened. The people look like they might try to put in a boat and a dock. It is so odd to see a person back there. Creeps me out a little still. Like I'm being spied on or something. I'm not, of course, but its so new that it just feels weird.<br />
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So, today is my birthday. I'm not too excited about it. I will be 48. Yes, 48. Better than 50, not as good as 40. My husband, who will be 50 next month likes to remind me that I'm closer to 50 than I am to 40. I don't much like the reminder. I dislike birthdays, just saying... <br />
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Have a happy day everyone!<br />
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<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-28577382213435146582015-05-22T15:44:00.000-05:002015-05-22T15:44:29.591-05:00Why do I like food so much? and other randomness.This is my whine post. Whine as in waaa, not something to drink. I hate that I love food. I have gained almost all of my weight back. My clothes fit crappy and I am not happy but I LOVE FOOD! I like feeling full, I like flavor. I want that <b>and</b> to be thin. I have so much pain in my hips that exercise is not an option. I really need to get that fixed but after taking so much darn time off of work because I was sick, the last thing I want to do is take another 4-6 weeks off! My scars itch like crazy! I think it is because I am putting on weight and they are stretching. I have such bad self discipline. If its in front of me, I will eat it. I thought I was doing better by having a small lunch of leftovers and a couple snacks throughout the day but it doesn't seem to be making a difference. <br />
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I know I am not alone. I have a sister who confesses the same problem and I am probably teaching my daughters bad eating habits without even being aware. Rylee asked me to get healthy snacks when I went to the grocery store and then borrowed my debit card to go to McDonald's. <br />
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Random blurt time!! <br />
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Before I got sick, I was attempting to leash train Brian, my puggle. At 5:30 every morning we would walk a couple blocks. He's as chubby as his mom so we would go a few blocks and be done. A few weeks ago, we were outside and he headed off down the sidewalk. I told him to stop and come back. He did, but went to the other side of the yard and headed down the sidewalk that way. I had to stop him again. Then it dawned on me that I have a very bright boy! He was asking me to walk him again! Two days ago, I went to turn the corner and head for home and he aimed his body further down the sidewalk and waited. I thought "how clever! You want to go farther!" He's so smart, my little man is! <br />
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So last night I had a weird dream. I was in our old house and had all these kids and a handful of adults around. My neighbor from where I live now was there helping me with something because in the dream she was packing up totes and taking them home as she was leaving. Then there was some guy there trying to tell me something before he left and as he left I finally understood. There was a huge, fuzzy, icky spider!!! Then it disappeared. When it appeared again, I still had kids running crazy but the only other adult with me was the ex wife of a friend. I haven't seen her in 10 years, maybe? I freaked out and when the spider dropped to the floor we realized there were two spiders. Somehow she killed them while I tried to find a shoe big enough to take them on. Suddenly now it's bedtime and I am in the house I am currently living in and the kids are jumping on the bed in the next room because the headboard is against the wall behind my headboard (which couldn't happen in either house, but this is a dream, so whatever) and the friends ex is sleeping on some kind of cushion on the floor next to my bed! Nothing like waking up tired and confused from a night of randomness and terror!<br />
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<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-80657084583025521862015-05-09T18:39:00.002-05:002015-05-09T18:40:01.739-05:00Some days are so unpredictableA few days ago I got the letter that I have been waiting for 4 months for. I'm not sure what I expected. But I know I wasn't thinking it would be what it was. I was upset and angry and stayed that way for a day or more. But I wasn't sure why. I was hurt and confused. I couldn't focus on anything but this damn letter. With the help of my friend and co-worker and some deep thinking I finally figured out why my emotions were in high gear. First, this letter was the most horrible, condescending, borderline rude letter I have ever received. Second was the realization that it wasn't about money, sure it would have been nice but that wasn't what I really wanted. <br />
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I wanted to be heard. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to know that no one else would ever go thru the hell that I did. It's not about me getting back at a doctor or doctors. Its about saving someone else from the fear that they might not make it thru the day because they can't get anyone to listen to them. It's about wanting Sanford to do better.<br />
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The letter I received went on an on about how the doctors gave me exemplary care and are not at fault and it's not their fault that I didn't want to take pain killers. (She actually said "want") She definitely did her job defending Sanford. And I found out that if there were fault, it would lie with the first doctor who, by the way, isn't an employee there. Never mind that he did Erin's appendectomy and my diverticulitis cleanout and has an office there! <br />
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I thought I was waiting for so long because she was talking to nurses and surgical team staff but she didn't talk to any of them or me. There are a half dozen people that can attest to watching my pain levels drop after taking me off narcotics. I CAN"T take pain meds. It's not that I don't want to because, seriously, who wouldn't want pain killers?? She didn't touch on the fact that I have scars on my chest from the idiot orderly taking the EKG pads off "like a band aid". He took my skin with them. She didn't talk to any of the nurses; who were awesome! Well, all but one. The surgical team caught wind of her and literally moved me to another floor to get me away from her. Catherine, the head of the surgical team, was my advocate for the first 2 weeks of the ordeal. She understood that I couldn't take pain meds and was beside me through the infections that kept me in the hospital. I was sad when I came back for round 2 and she wasn't part of the team. She obviously hadn't talked to her. She didn't touch on the fact that my doctor let me almost pass out in his office and never bothered to notice that the symptoms I was complaining of were dehydration nor did he do anything to help me overcome it. She never touched on the doctor telling Jim one thing and then lying to me when I asked him about it later. Then there was the problem of Sanford giving me a lovely ileostomy bag and no way to get supplies. The only place in town to get supplies is thru them and they don't stock any. They have to be ordered and then you wait. She never spoke with me, read my blog or spoke with any of the nurses. I could go on and on. <br />
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The other thing that was ignored is that none of my concerns--of which she probably is unaware of since she never once spoke with me--will be addressed. Someone else will most likely have to go thru this hell also. I just wanted to save one other person from all this and I don't quite know how to do that now. I'm so very sad that no one at Sanford will lean from my experience. Everything was in vain. In a nutshell, I think I needed some kind of positive closure. A "we're so sorry, we'll try to make sure it doesn't happen again and thanks for telling us" moment. Instead, I got a letter telling me that my physicians rock and I don't know what I am talking about. But, since she never took the time to speak with me, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. <br />
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I have an email started and I will be sending it to her, the head of the grievance committee and the leadership team in Sioux Falls. Maybe one of them will help me make a difference. I'm going to give up after that but I really would like that moment I mentioned previously. I am done crying about the mean letter and moving on because I have to. This ordeal has eaten enough of my time, feelings and life. <br />
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I had a day alone today. I used the gift certificate that Jim and Rylee gave me for Christmas and got a massage and a pedicure this morning. I bought myself some cupcakes and supper. I repotted some plants and got 3 loads of laundry done. <br />
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"Celebrate Everything" is continuing!! Love you all!<br />
Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-65065539173354444722015-05-04T20:34:00.001-05:002015-05-04T20:34:36.373-05:00"there's that pair of pants!" I finally got to the lake on Sat!!! I haven't been inside my boat since Labor Day last year. I didn't get to close it up last year and bring things home because I was in the hospital. This year I had things going on so Jim opened up and cleaned for me. I got down there on Sat and couldn't have been more excited to putter around my little houseboat. I have a hook on the back of the bedroom door that I usually keep a sweatshirt on. I was unpacking and putting clothes in the dresser when I went to hang up my sweatshirt. There was a pair of capris that I thought I had lost! Jim hadn't noticed them and they hung there all winter. Glad to have them back. HA!<br />
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I got to see the muskrat that lives in my backyard and there are a couple pair of geese fighting for territory. Everyone wants to live in my little bay!! I have yet to see the otter but I will keep looking. I won't get to go down much in May due to graduations, weddings, and such. That makes me a little sad. It is my little home away from home. <br />
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In other news: I still have no letter from Sanford. I left a message for Bev on Fri and she didn't return my call. Jim called her later in the afternoon and got her. She told him that she would dictate the letter immediately and have it in the mail by the close of the day. SHOCKER!! We haven't received anything yet. I called a law firm and am awaiting a call back. I have always said we live in a sue happy world. Everyone always wants to sue someone else. I don't really agree with that whole sue happy concept and truly believe that there are other ways around problems. I think I went with the alternative first and am being strung along. Same thing the surgeons did in the beginning of this whole mess. Maybe I should have gone this route in the beginning. It makes me sad and I can't believe I have stooped this low. All I wanted was to see if I could get some of my back wages and the longer I am strung along the more I realize how much this has changed my day to day life in ways that are not really a lot of fun. <br />
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Please don't get me wrong,<em> </em>I work hard at a positive attitude. I'm really not a whiner who just wants to get her way. That's not me at all. I have always been a pretty happy person. I take life one day at a time. I make mistakes. I try not to show the world how uncomfortable I am. I try to laugh as often as I can. I sing and I dance and I try to treat people with love and respect. It helps that I have great people in my life. My husband and daughters are truly wonderful. I have amazing friends and a fantastic family. I am surrounded with kind, supportive people who love me and that makes everything better. It really does. I love you all. <br />
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Gonna go make pudding with Rylee now. Have a great night everyone!!Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-52529061045726610822015-04-29T19:15:00.000-05:002015-04-29T19:17:58.179-05:00Hospitals are so frustrating!I am still waiting to hear on my claim with Sanford. I have a letter dated January 23rd, 2015 that states that the claim should be wrapped up in roughly 45 days. On March 30th I called and was told the end of the week. On April 6th, I called and left a voice mail. On April 7th, I got a call from an assistant saying it would be the end of the next week; around the 17th of April. I called and left another message on April 20th. On April 21st, I got a call from the lady working the claim. She said that she was wrapping things up and drafting a letter that would go out by the weeks' end and if I had questions I could call her. Well, I had plenty of questions but I was alone in the office due to vacations and a family emergency and it was the day before Earth Day and if you know anything about recycling then you know that my phones are insane. Crud!! I couldn't talk to her and had to hurry the call up. I was so bummed. It is now April 29th and so far I haven't seen a damn thing! It has been 68 days since her letter-business days, mind you. If I counted weekends, we would be looking at over 3 months! I should have just gotten my own damn lawyer. <br />
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Every day I deal with this mess in some way. I see the ugly scars. I randomly throw up. Thank goodness I am starting to recognize that feeling. Water makes it SO much worse. No clue why. Then there is the "I don't dare pass gas unless I am in the bathroom" issue. I still have issues with fruits and veggies. I can't eat them both in the same day or the problem I just mentioned is really bad. My hip is crazy painful and needs to be replaced but I can't do it because I had to use up all my short term PTO for the mess last fall! And last but definitely not least is the issue of my clothing vs my scars. I hate wearing jeans. Jeans are the worst but almost all clothes hurt my scars. I get to wear jeans on Fridays at work and I used to love that. I dread it now. I went out and had to buy all new dress pants for work because everything hurts. I have to swap out different kinds of clothing. I can't wear the same style pants more than 2 days in a row or my entire belly feels bruised even though it isn't. I have pull on yoga style pants, dress pants, jeans, elastic waist skirts. I found low ride dress pants with wide waist bands and I still can't wear them more than 2 days in a row. It's getting to be summer so I can wear more skirts and I bought a few of those too. There went another few hundred dollars! <br />
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Can you see my frustration!!! I am fed up with all of these things. It sucks to think I am never going to be done and have to deal with being uncomfortable every darn day! Every day there will be something.<br />
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In a desperate attempt to move forward, I did get my tattoo. It took around an hour and yes, it hurt like hell! He had set aside 2 hours for me because he thought I would need breaks being it is such a painful area to tattoo. He obviously doesn't know me. After going through what I have gone through and continue to go through, all without pain meds, I am a rock star! The writing is Rylee's handwriting. I couldn't have gotten through all of this without her. Paul, my artist, reversed it so I could see it and read it every day in the mirror. It is on the left side of my stomach; on the other side of the scar divide that goes down the center of my belly from the ileostomy scar that is on my right side.<br />
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Not the greatest pictures, but then I never said I was a photographer. =^P If you want more infor on my artist, check out the link on the right named 46and2 Tattoo.<br />
This first picture is what I see. This is the mirror image of it.<br />
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This picture is what you would see if you looked at it.</div>
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So far, in the big picture of all of this and not counting the wonderful people in my life, this is the only thing that has brought me any joy. It is a beautiful reminder that I lived. I have heard both my husband and my daughter talk about how they almost lost me and it is unnerving. It is one thing to know it. It is completely different to hear someone you love say it out loud. Very unsettling, upsetting and generally hard to get past. This is to show me that I CAN get past this because I am still here and I am one tough chick!</div>
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I may just call a lawyer tomorrow to ask a few questions and see what my options are. <br />
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Count your blessings, my friends. Especially the small ones. Some days they are hard to see, but they are always there.<br />
<br />Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-37594277459653835052015-04-16T20:00:00.000-05:002015-04-16T20:00:03.515-05:00Health and vacationI have put on some of the weight that I had lost. <em> </em>I am up to 173 lbs. Not happy about it at all. I got out my old journal and measured myself so I could start a base line. I measured less than I did a year ago by 2 inches in my waist and hips. That part made me feel a little better. The fridge is darn near empty and I will need to go grocery shopping. Maybe Sat morning. I am going to stock up on fruits, veggies and different sources of protein. I am a carbaholic so I don't ever have to worry about not getting enough of them. I also studied up on portion sizes. Although I have to say that I didn't heed them today. My journal doesn't count calories as much as how many servings I get. It was tailored for me a few years ago by a dietician. I am allowed: 3 fruits, 7 oz of protein, 2 starches, 1.5 milk, 2 veggies and 3 fats. Everything has to be a serving size except the protiens. They are measured in ounces and for the life of me I cannot remember how to log my morning smoothie made with protein powder. It is time to log everything and pay attention to serving sizes so that I can get rid of some bad habits. <br />
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Otherwise, I have felt good. I am STILL waiting to hear back from the claims department of Sanford. She keeps putting me off. I will have to call on Monday. It is getting frustrating.<br />
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Last week I went to see my good friend and former co-worker Nicole. She moved to Arkansas with her family a year and a half ago. Her brother's funeral was one that I missed when I was so sick. I miss her being part of my daily life. It was good to just sit and gab and laugh. Jim's comment to me on the way home was that Nic and I are a good fit as far as friends go. I thought that was a pretty huge compliment. <br />
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Now let me tell you about the trip down and back. We drove from Fargo, ND to Centerton, AS. We left at 4:40 am, stopped 3 times and rolled in around 5pm. Nothing major happened and I discovered that it is kind of an ugly drive (sorry, IA). We spent 2 days in AS hanging out in the yard mostly. Jim and Wayne got in a little golf and Nic and I took Ry and Alex shopping. Her son Alex is adorable! I discovered that the supposedly haunted Peel Mansion is near her and will go through that museum next time. Nic and Wayne took us over to OK to a casino where I gave OK some of my hard earned money-dang! AND I discovered that they live only 176 miles from Miranda Lambert's home town!! We left for home around 6am. I hadn't gone too far when it started raining hard. By the time I was nearing the freeway, Jim was already curled in a ball on the back seat with a blanket and pillow. As I entered the freeway, still on the entrance ramp, I took a rock to the windshield. Couldn't see it but I recognized the sound. Hoping it didn't leave a chip, but again, couldn't see between the dark and the rain. We had used our GPS a lot going down and had eaten up a lot of data so I turned it off now that I was on the road, completely forgetting that in about 30 miles I switch to a different road. Around 9 we stopped for gas and breakfast. Got back in the car and got back on the road-yes, the wrong road, but I haven't figured that out yet. Jim is in the back with headphones on watching movies and Rylee is awake and we are talking. I say something about how I don't know what I was doing when I drove this part 3 days ago, but nothing looks familiar. I am seeing signs for the Ozarks and the supposedly haunted Missouri State Penitentiary (I like my ghost shows, OK? don't judge). She agrees that nothing looks familiar. I can actually hear the <i>click</i> in my head. I grab the phone and toss it to her telling her to pull up Nigel (that's what I call my GPS voice since it is British). Sure enough, we are in the middle of Missouri and headed to the Ozarks. Ry quietly says "don't tell dad." I quietly say "when I reach the top of the exit ramp, he's going to know". Then all hell breaks loose.<br />
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My Nigel says that I need to turn around and go back the way I came. Jim opens his GPS and his Nigel tells me to snake through Missouri to get to my highway. I say "tell me where to go and I will" I have no leg to stand on here and am not about to argue. I got us lost! It is about this time that he notices the gigantic chip in the windshield. OK, really, it's the size of a dime, but to me it looks HUGE! He is NOT happy with me!</div>
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We choose to snake through Missouri. As I get on the road that winds us through Missouri, I notice a car with Kansas plates in front of me. She is doing 80 in a 55 and I think to myself that I should be able to get away with 70 since she'll be pulled over first. Besides I have time to make up. By the time we get back on the main road everyone is irritable. We are officially 2 and a half hours behind schedule. Here's hoping there is no speed enforcing camera picture of me headed my way because I did not obey the speed limit at all. I really don't want the ticket. I drove for 11 hours straight that day. It was hot and I couldn't run the air because Jim was cold. Hot flashing, menopausal, stressed out women need the air on! Finally made it home at 9:10pm.<br />
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I have to say that the people down south are so sweet! We stopped for coffee and the girl hands it to me and says "here you go sweetie". I about gushed out loud! How cute was she?? We got a lot of "you aren't from around here, are you honey?" These people could be rude and I would still think they are sweet!</div>
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The other thing is that the back roads of Missouri are filled with sad little towns. I can only imagine what the back woods looks like. I saw homes made of whatever scraps were available and others with garbage piled around them. Hollywood has exploited this image badly. I'm sure these people are just as sweet as the others we met but I kept waiting to see the Hatfields and McCoys jump out shooting at each other or the guys from Deliverance sitting on a sagging porch. I just kept praying that I didn't break down or get a flat. Some of those little towns were scary. It was feast or famine. You would pass big beautiful homes surrounded by acres of lush green land and then shacks surrounded by dirt. Quite the adventure that I took us on!</div>
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Nicole wants us to move down there and while I think I would love to be more south, I don't think AS is the place for me. Granted, that did not keep us from house shopping online while we were there! It was people on top of people and the roads weren't built to handle the traffic they have. You would be driving along and it was strip mall, Walmart, convenience store, grocery, gas, restaurants, Walmart, homes, gas, Walmart, strip mall, fast food, fast food, cows, Walmart, run down homes, convenience store, fast food, newer homes, Walmart, cows, grocery and so on. It was as if the cities had grown so fast that they grew around the farms, the farms sold off some of the land and the zoning was changed but these small farm-ish plots were grandfathered in. So seeing cows lying 15 feet from a congested road or stop light is normal. And every road was congested. All the time. What I did like was that all homes had to be 85% stone or brick. The newer construction is beautiful! <br />
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Now for my random thought of the day: Are you a dishwasher reorganizer? I am. I'm not proud of it but I do it. Up until last week I thought no one knew. Yes, I am that naïve. If I rearrange stuff, I can get more in and stabilize glasses better. Last week, Jim went to start the dishwasher, stopped and asked me if I wanted to move anything before he started it. He wasn't even being sarcastic!! He was being completely genuine! I was so embarrassed! How did I think no one knew! Insert eye roll here!<br />
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Have a great evening everyone! Spread some joy and smile at a stranger!<br />
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Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5333740784477152792.post-35145502082048503272015-04-07T18:56:00.000-05:002015-04-07T18:56:51.487-05:00more ramblings<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";">I wrote this yesterday and didn't get a chance to post it. Forgive me?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";">Well it happened. I finally caught a cold. I suppose I didn’t have one all winter because I was sequestered to my couch for the better part of the winter. Jim brought it home (yes, I am blaming him and yes, I know it really isn’t his fault) last week. It started on Wednesday and was really bad by Sunday and Monday. Mine started the following Wednesday and has proceeded to follow his but has totally different symptoms. Mine is a mild head cold and he seems to have a respiratory thing going on. My biggest fear is that this Wednesday, Rylee will come down with it. While, it really isn’t all that bad, I still wouldn’t wish it on a teenager. I spent the bulk of my Easter weekend sleeping. It’s Monday and I could easily be on nap number 2 by now. So very tired. I am the sort that can usually sleep something off and I really want to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";">Today I did what I said I would in my last post. I called the claims department of the hospital again. She didn’t answer so I left her a voice mail. Sadly, I liked that better than having to confront her and even more sad is the fact that I didn’t exactly get anywhere with it, which means that I will have to do it again. I have no problem cleaning up loose ends for my mom. I find it much easier to confront people when it isn’t my mess that I am cleaning up. I suppose there is an emotional detachment from my moms stuff and that must help make it easier to do than my own stuff. I have no problem picking up the phone when moms’ medical bill didn’t get covered by Medicare but heaven forbid I deal with my own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";">Rylee is driving now. My baby. How did that happen? How did she get to be old enough to be responsible for a car? She has today off of school so she got up early to take me to work so she could have the car today. I might be weird when I confess this but I kind of like driving my kids all over. Not only do you get to meet their friends, but you get their undivided attention. They will tell you all about their day, learn their favorite songs, and they will fill you in on their lives; at least until the garage door opens and they escape. I am also not very good at letting go. When I had to let go of things with Erin, I calmed myself with the thought that I still had Rylee. Now it is Rylee’s turn and it is 10 times harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought I would be ready for all of these feelings and maybe, because I knew it would be coming, be ahead of the game. Or maybe it would be easier because I have done it all before. Not the case. It doesn’t matter how much you prepare, letting go of your children hurts. It might be a ‘mom thing’. I’m ok with that but I don’t think it is an exclusive club. I think dads have trouble too. My baby girl graduates in 2 years. I won’t be ready for that either! I will try not to cry in front of her though.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif";">Recycling has never really been something I did until I started working for a recycling facility. Then I took the aluminum and plastic out of my garbage and separated them and would haul them into work with me occasionally. Two weeks ago the city I live in delivered a HUGE lidded can to every home for recycling and along with it a list of things that can be put in the can. I have found that I am tossing more stuff in there than I thought I would. My wine bottle from Easter day, a salsa jar, soda cases, food packaging, shipping boxes, and plastics; it’s all going in there. It has only been 2 weeks and I have the thing half full! I never thought I could get it that full but when you add in all the other things besides just plastic and cans that I can put in there it fills up. The bonus is not having to sort it. That was what held me back before. I just didn’t have the space for multiple containers. I have no clue how much of what I am putting into my recycling bin will eventually end up in a landfill or if any of it ever will but I like feeling like I am reducing my ‘footprint’. Earth Day is coming up. This year it is April 22<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">nd</span></sup>. If you don’t do anything all year, do one small thing on Earth Day. We have to start somewhere. </span></span></div>
Heart Led Healinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15682076631767608860noreply@blogger.com1