it's just too much

I just can't do this.  I continuously plug along because I have no other choice but why do the smallest things take the most out of me?

On Sun. I had some weird pain.  Kind of a cramp.  They would come in waves.  Not insanely painful but not right.  They lasted a few hours and faded away.  Keep in mind that Sun my goal was to have Rylee take me to the grocery store.  That didn't happen and I needed Jim to go.  Definitely not the right thing to ask of him.

Monday I had only 2 of those weird cramps but Holy!!! were they severe!  I had decided if I had more I would go to the ER.  I haven't had any since.  This was late Mon, so I sent my doc an email letting him know in case it is something I should be watching for. 

Tues morning, I have big plans.  I'm going to shower and I promised Rylee that I would make her supper. The clinic called and my doctors parrot, I mean nurse, said I would be fine until my appointment.  No kidding?  Same answer, different day.  I got through my shower only to have my bag leak right after.  I am now covered in my own vomit.  I change the bag.  I go lay down.  Its now about 2 pm and I figure I can roll out meatballs and put them back in the fridge.  I get that done and realize that I need another bag change.   By the time I am done with this and cleaning up the kitchen its 4 and I am wiped out.  I lay down for a bit.  These bag changes are debilitatingly exhausting for me and I just went through 3 of them.  I contact Jim to see what time he thinks he will be home for supper and he is all heated up with this insurance stuff.  He is trying to tell me about it and I can't focus on it.  That just makes him angry with me.  I start supper. the supper Rylee wants takes an hour or more of constant stirring.  I pull a chair over to the stove and get to it.  Thankfully, when she gets home she is lots of help.  Jim gets home.  By this time, I am damn near comatose.  I can't keep my eyes open or my head up.  I am exhausted beyond words.  Jim ate downstairs by himself I went to bed. 

Here's where it gets weird.  When I am at my worst so is Jim.  If I am too tired or in pain, he is instantly angry with me.  As if I can do something about it.  I understand I haven't worked in over a month and this is costing us a fortune.  I understand that I have become a burden.  I understand that he is tired of this.  Guess what?  Me too!   Last night he was upset because he had to do the insurance by himself.  I would have been no help even if I sat up next to him. 

So, on top of my physical condition, I have my financial condition, which is ugly and now this whole experience is eating away at my marriage.  Great!

Late yesterday I got a call from patient services letting m know that the grievance board had changed my doctor.  I was supposed to go in today but they moved me to tomorrow at 4:15.  Hope this goes well.