Friday, August 5, 2016

Wow, just Wow

so...5 months later I am living a completely and totally different life.  "Sure", you say.  I AM!!  I took the Detox a second time and started to research angels and praying to them a lot harder and asking for their help in different areas of my life.  Then I looked inside myself.  I asked myself who I was and what is it that I want?  And I found answers.  It wasn't easy but I followed my heart and started a new life.
On that note, I will be giving up this blog.  I will start a new one and if you are truly interested, and have an open mind, feel free to follow me along.  You will have to either comment below, Facebook private message me or shoot me an email and I will let you know the new address as soon as I have it up and running.  Thanks!  God Bless!!  And spread the love!!

Friday, February 26, 2016

Sorry it's been so long, I was in class

Hello!!  It is February 26th!  I haven't been here in forever!  I feel good and life is good!  I still have digestion/bowel problems that I am learning to live with and I think I always will. On that I will refrain from letting you in on my bathroom habits.  Part of that kind of bites but I am still here so that part Rocks! 
My family is good and healthy (for the most part).  My sister got her hip replaced and is back to work now!  So happy for her!  My hip pain has gotten better recently.  I think it is related to the class I took.

So I took this Detox Your Life class.  That is where I have been for the past month and a half. Two words: LIFE CHANGING.   I would recommend it to everyone who has an issue of some sort even if you don't think you do.  We scratched the surface of self sabotage, body image, stuffing emotions, addictions, always saying yes, anger, guilt, trust, worrying about what others think and so much more.  44 days of journaling.  I went through a whole notebook  and because we scratched the surface, I want to do it again.  There is a closed Facebook group associated with it and I found that to be super helpful.  Some days you could be a cheerleader for someone and others someone would be there for you.  It was an awesome experience and I loved it.  If you are interested in it, the link is here:
Now that it is done and I have taken a step back and looked at myself, I can see that I am more controlled; more peaceful.  By that I mean that I get less caught up in the drama that unfolds around us all day, it takes me much longer to get angry, I see good all around me and I feel like a different person.  Or maybe like I can be a different person.  I still am working on things; like not getting frustrated when someone's behavior doesn't match up to what I think it should or having to always control the situation.  I am a work in progress.

Now, I know, I can say these things but am I living it?  I think I am.  I wish I could describe how differently I feel.  I feel like the fog is gone; like everything is brighter, like the weight is gone and everything is lighter.  That sounds so cliché but it's true.  I am going to tell you why I think what I have been doing is working (and yes, I know that I sound like I am trying to sell you something). 

First, lets talk about my pain.  If you remember the book I read a while back "You Can Heal Your Life", that talked about ailments in you coming from you.  I read the book, soaked it in, but couldn't quite make it work.  The basis of the book was to love yourself but I just wasn't pushed over the edge.  This Detox class helped push me.  So, back to the pain.  Awful pain, limped all the time.  Both hips giving me trouble.  I have very little pain right now.  I still have a medical problem but unless I am on my feet and/or standing still for long periods, I do just fine.  Now you can believe what you want but I also need to tell you that every single pound that I lost and journaled about since the beginning of this blog is back on me.  All of it.  Now, for someone with hip issues, that should make it worse and it's not getting worse at all.  It seems to be lightening up!  I let it go too long so it will still need to be fixed but it is manageable-at least for me.

The other thing that makes me think I am living it is that after the first of the year, the girl that sat next to me at this totally awesome job started behaving oddly.  She was snappy and seemed angry at me all the time.  I didn't really think too much about it.  I'm here to do a job.  I can get along with just about anyone, so whatever.  Another couple of weeks go by and I swear she has been setting me up to fail.  She would give me a task but never tell me quite how to do it or only give me part of the info I would need.  Or she would tell me to order a specific thing from a certain place and then when it would come wrong and people would complain, she had me to blame.   If I asked a question she would snap at me so violently that I chose not to ask her anything if I didn't have to.  I would fish around and come up with the answers I needed.  I felt awful for thinking that she was doing it on purpose.  She was a very nice person, she would never do that.  Everyone loves her.  It must be me.  As the next week or 2 pass, I find that I have completely stopped talking at work.  I'm not greeting people and talking to her-even small talk- is nearly impossible.  I sit all day next to her and try to figure out why all of the sudden this person is so angry and is it me?   It seems to be directed at me so it must be coming from me.  Part of me wants to come unglued on her and just tell her how she is behaving and what I think of it but the other part of me knows that none of that will do anything except escalate the situation into something I have no desire to deal with.   (One of the things that was said, somewhere along the path of the class was to react from a place of love.  I kept running that through my head.  Also, that her emotions are hers; not mine.  I can't change or fix what I do not own.)  So I sit, quietly and think of how lucky I am to have this job and how blessed I am.  One day she just explodes.  Completely out of the blue and in front of another co-worker.  It was awful.  I tried to speak to her but she wasn't having any of it so I gave up and sat in tension filled silence all day wondering how to escape.  The next day she did it again!!  Again, I sit in quiet stupor not knowing how to fix this awful, awkward situation and still not knowing what even happened or how we got to this place!  Sometime, mid afternoon, she got up cleared her desk off and told me she wasn't coming back.  I was dumbfounded.  I guess she emailed the boss and partners but I don't know what was said or why she left like she did.  All I can say is that through the whole stressful, tension filled situation, I remained calm.  If anything I was frustrated at not being able to work things out but I never got caught up in the drama or became angry with her.  Looking back, I have no guilt whatsoever about how I handled myself.  I truly believe that I can thank the Detox class and what I learned for that. 
If that same situation would have happened a year ago I would have done everything except post it to Facebook!  I would have been mouthing off to anyone who would listen to me and the first thing out of my mouth would have been "I hate her" when, really, I don't.  I'm telling you: Life changing!  

This class has opened my eyes up to how I can control myself and let go of trying to control everything around me and how being positive and happy has a way of settling in and making itself at home. I still have a long way to go and am going to take the class again.  Rylee pointed out some areas in my life where I am hanging on to negative energy, so I am focusing on that.  I am going to take this class again starting in March.

I am loving life.  I spread myself kind of thin sometimes between social activities but I am loving every minute of it.  Speaking of spreading myself thin, I recently went home for a visit and to take my mom to Target.  After spending the morning with mom, we went to play Bingo wit a couple of girlfriends from high school.   When I finally got there it was 7 friends from high school!!  What a great day!  I wish I wouldn't have had so much to do and so much on my mind because I didn't enjoy my time like I wanted to but it was still wonderful!  It is hard when you are in town for a mere 30 hours to accomplish everything.  Sometimes my head just buzzes with all of the different things I have to get done while I am there.  But it was a fantastic weekend.  I got to spend time with my mom and sister and my niece!  Then my friends.  And best of all was having Rylee with me for the weekend.  Although she always wants to explore, which takes up time that I am already limited on, but I want to also!!  She makes me feel like a kid again and I get to see the world thru a new set of eyes.  She is a great roadtrip buddy.

OK, I had better post this since I have revised it 3 times due to the fact that I keep saving and not publishing,  Have a great day, a wonderful weekend, be positive and open to all that is around you and love; simply LOVE!


Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

As we move into 2016, I reflect on where I was and how far I have come in a year.  I started this year out weak and recovering from being horribly ill, not thinking about God at all, and trying not to be depressed, wondering what I did to deserve my fate, and hating myself.  As I have moved through the year I have come to the realization that I am here because I'm not done.  I was so close to death, more than once and I am still here.  There must be a reason; something unfinished, and I need to figure out what that is.  I started some self-help stuff, did Reiki, learned to talk to God, went to a weekend retreat and learned that I need to love myself and have tried to live life to the fullest.  Needless to say, it is a slow process.   

I have had some insights:   I like talking to God.  I don't love myself.  I am a binge eater.  I can be a total bitch.  I'm a mess and so is my house.  I want to write a book.  I am always going to have digestive issues.  I'm a crier. 

I bet the binge eater caught you off guard.  Years ago, a friend mentioned how fast I eat when we would be at lunch; that I can carry on a conversation and still be done eating an entire meal before she is even halfway done.  For some reason, this came to the forefront of my awareness this fall.  I had heard the term binge eating and did some research and, lo and behold, I fit the characteristics perfectly.  As 2015 leaves me, I find myself near my highest weight again.  My life is unmanageable and so I eat.  I eat when no one is looking and then pretend I didn't eat at all.  I eat the entire time I cook and then eat the meal also.  I eat twice as fast as anyone I know.  My clothes don't fit and I hate myself more and more.  It is hard to look in the mirror and tell myself I am loveable and that I love myself when I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

The "I want to write a book" probably caught you off guard too.  I have for years.  I used to make outlines of a story plot and then never write the book.  This time I came up with a scene that I could build a story around and so I actually wrote it down.  I have built the story a little but time is hard to find.  Especially with all the classes and journaling.  If I get really involved, I may have to give up Facebook.

With the onset of 2016, I am looking at a lot of self help.  I joined a "Detox" support group. It is to detox from what ever it is that you need to detox from.  You pick what demon you want to exorcise.  I am going to work on learning that food is not a crutch, it is necessary for life and that I need to eat to stay alive and not to hide.  I can easily tell you what needs to be done.  It is learning to do it that is so dang hard.  I have to work on actions and habits.  If it is joining Overeaters Anonymous, getting counseling, journaling or whatever I can find to get me to a healthy place, I have to learn how to do it to be healthy again. 

As I close this for the day and the year, I want to tell you all to be appreciative and grateful for the people that love you.  Thank God for your life and health, for His awesome presence, and remember that you are very fortunate.  There are people in this world who are cold, hungry, sick and alone. Pray to your Divine Team. Try to do something kind and hug everyone you can.   EVERY DAY!

Happy New Year!!!  May 2016 bestow upon you all the abundance, love and good health that this universe has to offer.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

1 quick thing

I have been following a lot of spiritual self help types and they all say that it is ok and good to ask for a sign from passed loved ones.  I have never done it because, it just seemed odd to me.  I don't know what made me do it but last night when I took Brian out one last time before bed, I said "I hear red birds are a sign from heaven.  I've never asked for a sign before but if you all can show me one, I will try to be aware and look for things." and while I said it I pictured my Dad and grandparents, aunts and uncles.  Now I know it is Christmas and we are seeing more cardinals in and on stuff and in the past few weeks I have seen a few here and there.  But this morning as I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, I had 12 cardinals!!  12!!  Not one, not 2...12!!  12!!  I am still reeling from it. 

Somehow this justifies to me that all the praying, looking for positives, pushing away negatives and talking to my Divine Team; angels and passed loved ones along with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, is the path I need to be on.  Someone recently said to me "take what works for you and get rid of the rest".  Well, this is working. 

Do something good today and tell your Divine Team about it.  Then ask them to help you do more. 
Love and Hugs!

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Starting to not care...

I can't believe how crazy busy I have been lately.  That's probably a good thing but there is always a downside.  In this situation the downside is that I have been eating out more and breaking all my own rules.  Instead of splitting my meal down the middle and getting a take out box, I have been just eating it.  I haven't weighed myself since the last time I posted but my clothes are tighter again.  My other downfall is Caribou Coffees Spicy Mocha which is only available for 6 weeks a year.  Love that stuff!  I need to reign myself in. 

The diet pills did nothing except give me a slight headache and make me thirsty.  I used them for 2 weeks.  I might try them again to see if it was a fluke or not.   I have still been doing the Tai Chi in the mornings and someone posted a squat challenge so I thought I would do that too.  My squats suck because overweight people don't squat-it hurts our knees.  So I know that I am not squatting low enough for it to be called a squat but I am going low enough to feel it.  So far I have done both days of December. Gotta start somewhere, right? 

On the spiritual side, I am still praying every day and I feel good about it.  I have been trying to go to church every Sunday that I am home also.  It feels good.  I haven't been able to do the Reiki thing again but I found someone near my new office that does Cranial sacrum.  I might be spelling that wrong.  I am going to try that.  The girl that sits next to me goes once a month and loves it.  when she describes it to me it sounds a little like Reiki.  Gonna give it a shot. 

My job is going great.  They seem to like me.  The girl I sit with has a very unique personality--and I mean that positively. She makes me laugh.  At this job I do a lot of the work that takes time away from the bookkeepers and accountants.  I really like it and the people here are wonderful!  All types of personalities and everyone gets along. 

My hip has been so bad lately that I am nervous about how long I can hold out before I give in and go to the doctor.  I am headed to Vegas next week.  In the past, after a day or so out there the pain goes away.  I have a ghost tour scheduled and it requires some walking, like a mile or more, but I didn't schedule it till the last day we would be there hoping that the dry heat would help me out. 

On that note I am really excited about the ghost tour.  A friend turned me on to them.  She does one in every city she visits that has them.  This is my first.  Mostly it is a walking tour of the town with interesting history.  Vegas has 2 kinds.  One starts with a magic act on a stage and then they send you out to a park to 'see' ghosts with a costumed actor that serves as your guide.  I felt that was a little too carnival-ish for me and I wanted Jim to go with me and there would be NO way!  I looked a little farther and found one that was less theatrical and more realistic, also it was more about the mob history downtown Vegas and Jim loves that.  I have a feeling the guide will still be a little theatrical but we aren't expected to 'see' ghosts so, most likely, a little more of what I want. 

We are also going to a Rat Pack Revival show and Jim wants to ride the roller coaster at New York, New York.  I was silly enough to say I would go on that with him  The roller coaster I am a bit apprehensive about but otherwise, this is going to be a fun trip. 

I am headed home with Rylee to see mom this weekend also.  I also set up a couple of times to get together with some friends that I haven't seen in ages.  More fun!  My cousin and her mom are coming over to visit mom and I also.  It is going to be a very busy weekend but well worth it! 

Because it is the holiday season, I am more aware of what life was like a year ago.  I have come so far both physically and spiritually.  I was left on this earth for a reason.  I don't know what it is but I am trying to always be at my full potential. 

Hope your Thanksgiving was a happy one and I really hope you are looking at the holiday season ahead with hope and love.  A new year is on the way, let's make the best of what is left of this one and jump in to the next one with both feet!!  Love and Hugs to all! 

Sunday, November 8, 2015


Not even sure where to start.  I guess I always start with my health.   I am still good.  Scars itch like crazy and clothes still bother them but they are fading some.  It has been a year since the surgery to fix my colon ended up with me having the ostomy bag while my punctured intestine healed.  This was the start of the worst 2 months of my life. It  is hard for me to comprehend that it was a year ago.  Seems like it was yesterday.  I remember the time dragging on and on.  I would get up out of bed every day, go to the couch and lay down with the dog.  I didn't have the energy to do anything else.  I would have to rest for hours in order to have the energy to get something to eat and then back to the couch to rest for the next big adventure (usually a trip to the bathroom).  It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  I would watch tv but never comprehend anything I saw. I tried to blog but the effort took me most of the day.  As I sit here thinking about it again I find myself crying.  I thought it would never end.  Even Erin stopped calling because it was too hard for her to hear me that way.  From now through Christmas was a steady decline for me.  I'm thankful that the surgeon agreed to do the surgery early.  I really don't know how much longer I could have continued.  I know that I have gotten past it physically.  My weight has come back (bummer) and my hair has grown back.  I even shed again!  It's the mental that is harder.  It creeps back at you when you least expect it and covers you like a thick fog.  I just have to remember that the sun will come out and burn the fog away.  It always does.

Back to my ongoing weight issue.  I still haven't lost any weight.  Today I went to Complete Nutrition and bought this:  No clue if it will work. It smells like raspberry and I only take 2 a day.  So far I have taken one and my face feels flushed but doesn't look flushed and I am using the bathroom a lot!  I have a slight headache but can't tell if it is related or if I just have a small headache.  I'll keep you posted on this one. 

I love my new job!  The people here are awesome!  They are all so nice.  I am still not doing much but when they give me something I am able to get it right back to them so I think they will learn my capabilities eventually and give me more tasks.  I am so glad I found them. 

I am still working on me and did a retreat that just reinforced everything and made me want to keep going.  I am starting a 13 week online course next.   I did discover that I am very judgy person.  The more I let go of them, the more I see how I was.  I have a huge fear of being judged (so you would think I wouldn't do it, right?) and it keeps me from doing and talking about the things that I enjoy.  My family is probably the biggest part of that.  Will they judge me?  Don't honestly know but I have to get to a place where, if it happens, I am ready to handle it before I can talk about some things.  I did open up to a group of friends about things like the retreat and what all went on and they were so incredibly supportive and interested.  The full circle of that opened my eyes to some other things that I know I need to deal with but I know I am not quite ready yet.  The cards say it is time but I can't step through the door.  I might have to just jump.   I do feel more centered.  My life seems so calm lately.  I think that is a direct correlation to all the study I have been doing.  I am loving it!!  I am spending more time praying and want to do more energy work, like the Reiki.  It is hard to find the time to fit it in.  I am still doing the small tai chi routine that I started.  I have increased it and want to invest in a dvd to learn more than the handful of moves I have memorized.  I imagine doing it on the back of the houseboat in the morning sun when the air is still cool and the lake is calm.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I can go there in my mind and that is enough. 

I have also been spending more time with my friends.  It helps me be stronger and knowing that  they love me no matter what I do or say helps so much!

My little man, Brian, has not been feeling well.  I took him to the vet and they couldn't quite figure anything out.  I have a feeling he is just getting to the end of his life.  He has pretty much quit walking in the mornings.  He tried this morning for the first time in a week and we only went 2 blocks.  When I got him home he needed me to carry him up the 7 steps into the living room.  Makes me sad.  I know that he won't live forever and that he has had a good run with us.  Knowing I have been able to make him comfortable and safe gives me a good feeling. 

I think I need to get going so take care!!  Remember that you are good enough-no matter what!

Friday, October 23, 2015

The journey continues

I am  sorry that I haven't posted more often.  I have been busy with me and I love it!  I have been going out with my girlfriends more often, something that 2 years ago I would have bowed out of because I didn't feel worthy of spending $20 on my self.  Today, no way.  I used to find ways of making myself feel guilty every time I did anything for me.  I recognize it now and am changing my behavior patterns.  I am going to spend every minute that I can with people who inspire me and want me to be the best me that I can.   I thank God that I have those friends in my life.  When I slow down and look, I can't believe how many there are!!  And most of them I hadn't even realized were there for me.  But they are and I see them in a whole new light now.  I thank my Divine Team for opening my eyes to all of them before I let them all fade off.  I am so much more aware of what is going on around me lately. 

Health wise, I am good.  My hip hurts like crazy, but I'm a tough chick and I will deal with it.  My sister could use your prayers however, because hers might very well be worse than mine and she is struggling.  It hurts me to know that she has pain.  All I can do is try to support her but my way of dealing with things might not work for her.  For the most part my tummy issues are gone.  I do still have a lot of issues when I eat veggies and fruits which is a huge bummer but I will learn it.  I had lost a couple pounds but I haven't weighed myself in a while and to tell you the truth, right now, at this very moment, I don't care what I weigh.  I know I'm fat, I know I'm short and I try not to look in the mirror because I don't know the person looking back at me.  The person in the mirror looks so different from the person inside me and right now I need to focus on the person inside.  The person inside me has a light that has started to shine and I need to make it brighter and stronger.  If the person on the outside follows suit, then fine.  If not, then I will deal with her later.  In the meantime, I will avoid French fries, drink more water, keep soda at a minimum and try to lean toward healthy foods. 

I mentioned Reiki a while back.  Just an FYI:  I am sold.  It might not be for everyone but after the last session she talked to me about things and gave me a few wake up calls.  Keep in mind that other than my wedding ring and the fact that I told her I have hip problems, she knows nothing about me.  I haven't even made small talk with this girl.  But she said a few things that related directly to me and offered a sort of advise.  For days afterwards I felt better too.  I want to go back but she is a long way from where I work and I am not comfortable asking for long lunches yet. 

That's all for now.  I will talk more later.  My retreat is tomorrow.  I will fill you in later!!

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

My journey

I haven't posted lately because I have been on a mission.  Well, a couple of them really.  We will start with health since that is what this blog is supposed to be about.

So I am still gaining weight.  I have given up on the green tea.  I am still watching what I eat and trying to be conscious  of how much water I am drinking.  I finally went to the doctor who told me that my genetics are against me and that after being starved, my body will not be happy until it has hit the highest weight I have ever been.  Sadly that's only 10 pounds away but I don't want to get there!  My hip is shot and I can't exercise a lot due to the pain.  I am still walking the dog every morning and have started a small tai chi program but no weight loss.  I might try Complete Nutrition and see if there is something there that can jump start my metabolism.  So that's one journey.

The other journey has to do with my inner struggles.  In the past I have said that I am not happy with myself and I have mentioned that I have taken self help classes and am studying a book. So, update on that whole thing.  I have been trying to banish negatives and increase the positives.  I have been praying to my Divine Team more and more. I have been praying for support, love and guidance and letting the universe know that I am open to change and open to all he good and abundance that the universe has to offer.  I prayed for my job and said that I would work honestly for bosses that were good and that I was fortunate and grateful to be working.  In the meantime, I had been applying all over town for different positions.  The day I started praying for my job, I started getting calls for interviews.4 in one week!!!  One interview went so well that I thought it couldn't be true.  I must have done something wrong.  It went so smooth!!  I had an answer for every question and I really liked the 2 ladies interviewing me.  But we live in a "if it seems to good to be true than it probably is" world and so while I hoped, I told myself it wouldn't happen.  I got 2nd interviews and then a phone call!!  It came on a Monday morning and the interview that went so well wanted to hire me!!   I was elated!!  I said yes immediately!!  So pumped!!  During this whole process I realized that part of my esteem problem was my job.  You can only be talked down to and made to feel dumb and worthless for so long before you start to believe it.  Upper management treats you like you like you don't matter; as if you are replaceable and they have no concern for you. You start to believe it.  No, my bosses weren't horrible people-at all.  They are good people who have lost site of how to treat others.  Now I see it and I feel sorry for them.  They will always have turn over in that business because they treat that certain business as if they are second class citizens and they make them feel unaccounted for; not supported.  I gave my notice and started my new job 2 days ago.  So far, I love it.  I work in the front desk at a CPA firm. I am learning but the ladies have been super helpful and very, very friendly.  I am still very new but I feel good about this place. I hope I have found the place I am going to retire from! 

I also have to tell you about this event I go to every year with my girlfriends.  It is called Pin Up on the Plains.  We did the standing room only the first year and decided to get a table the second year.  Loved it so much we got a table again. It ends up being expensive but is so empowering!  There are no men allowed.  It is only women.  The past 2 years they have had fashion shows with everyday women. Not models.  This year they put out a casting call and anyone could try out to be a model.  My friend Carly did it and got a call back!!!  Those of us who know Carly see her beauty and her grace.  I have to tell you that she was so incredibly beautiful that she literally glowed!!!   She seemed happier and more alive than ever!  I don't think I could ever have the courage to go on stage in my underwear and I couldn't be more proud of her for just doing it!  She was amazing and I think it was good for her.  Cant wait for next year!

I'm not done with this journey, I even have a retreat scheduled in a couple weeks. I will be a better me even if I'm not thinner!  Love those around you and recognize the little things that make you happy. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Disgruntled But Thankful

I am feeling a little disgruntled.  I can not lose weight.  I have been drinking green tea--brewed myself- for weeks and a ton of water.  I have lowered my carbs and portion sizes-I haven't eliminated anything- and have increased my veggie intake by a lot!!  Almost all of my snacks now involve a tomato or cucumber.  I haven't lost anything!  Last night for supper my hubby wanted pizza subs.  I made mine with fresh tomatoes, pepperoni, green olives and cheese.  I ate only half and put the other half in the fridge for tonight.  Could I have eaten the whole thing?  Hell yes!  But my brain was stronger than my stomach so I won out.  My guilty pleasure last night: 2 M&M's.  Yep, 2.  And lunch was a tomato and some cottage cheese.  So why can't I lose weight?!?!

I tossed around the idea that my body is afraid I am going to starve it again and won't let go of anything.  I am pulling out that thought again.  I made a doctor appointment for Fri afternoon to get an opinion from someone who knows more than I do on that topic.  I could be on to something or I could be barking up the wrong tree.  I am, don't get me wrong, VERY happy to be relatively healthy. I will never forget what it was like to not have the energy to get a glass of water or take the dog out. That was a very dark time and I am grateful that I am past it.

I have a couple other things going on in my life right now, that I really want to talk about but are of a more private nature.  I'll touch on the self help things I have been doing.  It's no secret that I have been studying the book "You Can Heal Your Life".  I love it.  It has become increasingly easier to think of positives before the negatives lately and I credit the book for helping me change the way that I think. I even did a couple of classes of sorts.  They were on conference calls and we all listened in. I did 2 weeks of them so far.  Very enlightening.   She talks about using your intuition and of Spirit.  Spirit is whatever higher power you believe in.  For me that would be God and judging from her talk, I would have to say it is for her as well.  She said something that stuck with me and I'm not sure why.  She said that we all pray or talk with Spirit and ask for help but what we don't think of are the thousands of angels at our disposal that we never talk to or ask for help from.  Again, I don't know why that stuck with me.  I have never asked angels for help, support, guidance or love.  So now when I pray, I pray to my Divine Team.  My own personalized team of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, loved ones past and any angels who may be listening.  I have so much more peace.  It seems silly, I know.  I told you these were of a more private nature so no laughing at me!  Every day I ask for support, guidance and love from my Divine Team and I thank them for the previous days support, guidance and love.  I tell them my goals of bringing more positive thoughts into my life and ridding myself of negative behaviors, habits and thinking and ask them for their help with those.  I feel better!  Give it a try if you feel inclined to do so.  That's why I am sharing this one, because it is too good to keep to myself.

In the middle of all of these classes and study, I popped open my email and there was a groupon thing for Reiki.  I have heard of it.  I think I thought of it as maybe a little hokey.  I bought it and tried it because I figured it was out in front of me for a reason.  I didn't go looking for it, it came to me. I was having a bad day, pain wise, and limped in.  I laid on her table and she did her thing.  If you don't know what Reiki is, this is what the International Center for Reiki Training says:  "Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy."  You really feel nothing.  It was like I was resting and she held her hands a few inches above me and occasionally rested them on me.  If I concentrated, I thought it felt like waves lapping at me but that may have been my imagination.  Either way, I walked out with no pain and a few other 'good' things fell into my lap in the next 24 hours.  I still don't know how I feel about it but I can definitely say that it doesn't hurt to keep an open mind and a positive attitude and try new things.  I am still reeling from the other opportunities that came into my world and hopefully in a few weeks, I can talk about those too.

We took the houseboat out of the lake this year.  It was so smooth!!  I had 'worse case scenarios' running through my head and none of them even remotely came true!!  The one thing I hadn't thought of was the trailer fishtailing out of control during the haul. Thankfully, Jim is a seasoned hauler and didn't lose control of the whole thing.  Now he can get the pontoons cleaned up like he wants and then get them repainted.  Might be our chance to replace a board here and there also.  But with the boat out, lake season is officially over.  Makes me a little sad.  The muskrats were especially active this weekend as were the chipmunks.  I don't know who gets startled more, us or them!  I may have even caught a glimpse of my otter splashing on the shoreline of the other point.  When the guys all left to take the pontoon out, I sat out on my dock in the sun one last time.  I do love that little backyard of mine.  While sitting, I tried to list all the wildlife that is back there.  Dragonflies, Swallows, Red-wing Blackbirds, Loons, Ducks, Geese, Herons, Sunfish, Bullheads, Bass, Box Turtles, Snapping Turtles, Muskrats, Frogs, Otter, Beaver, and the occasional Eagle or Osprey overhead.  This weekend I actually saw a snake leave our side of the bay and swim across to the other side!!  I watched him until I lost him among the lily pads.  While very cool, I did find it a little unnerving.  You expect fish and turtles in the water but a snake?!  

I am going to sign off for now.  Be thankful for everything in your life.  Find the hidden message if you can and keep thinking positive!!  Love and Hugs!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Finding myself

I always feel like I need to start things off with a weight or medical update.  So here it is: I got nothing.  I am healthy.  Fat and healthy.  My hips hurt like there is no tomorrow and I don't know how much longer I can keep on ignoring the pain or taking large doses of naproxen, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen.  In order to lose weight I tried the "make my husband pay me and go for external gratification" thing and that did not pan out.  I didn't gain or lose anything.  I have cut down on what I eat, how much I eat, quadrupled my water intake and am now drinking green tea!!!  Nothing.  So frustrating!  I do not want to go back on pills.  My scars still hurt after a day of waistbands and I don't think that will go away for a very long time.  My stomach acid scar seems to be fading, so there's that...

I started kind of studying this book.  I may have mentioned it in the last post.  It is called "You Can Heal Your Life".  In general, it says that most of what is wrong with you is, in a sense, coming from within you.  Negative spews negative, positive promotes positive.  Being overweight is a cover for something and you need to find what you are shoving down.  Same thing with some pains.  I have been treating this book like a textbook not just a read so it is going slowly and I am trying to take the exercises very seriously.  

So far I have been able to let go of some anger issues that I had that stemmed from my childhood that I wasn't aware I even had.  Even more remarkable is that looking back on my youth and reminiscing with myself I discovered that I really didn't like the person I was or the person I have been.  I come off as shallow, preoccupied with myself , needing to be right and involving myself in things I didn't need to be involved in.  When I dug deeper and asked why; what got me to that, I was shocked at my own answer.  Acceptance.  I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and have never felt accepted.  Even now.  Surrounded by friends and family there are precious few moments when I feel like I am accepted.  That is not saying that my friends and family don't accept me!  It is saying that I do not know how to read it.  I have wanted it for so long that I can't recognize it when it is staring me in the face.  Even in my own household I can feel like an outsider; like I am just there but not a part of the family.  Like they just tolerate my presence.  While logically, I know that it isn't like that at all, I still feel it.  And why?  Why do I feel like that?  Why is this so important?   Where did it start and when?

I can track the conscience feeling of being unacceptable and not being good enough back to grade school but I must have had it before that.  I can honestly tell you that after my dad passed away it escalated.  I can look back at previous relationships/friendships and it is so clear now.  Here's where I would laugh and blame my mother, but that isn't so funny anymore as the reality of things is starting to sink in.  I carried that with me everywhere and it shows.  I still carry it.  I can be sitting with my kids and feel like I'm not good enough to be their mom or at a table with friends and wonder if they really like me or if they just tolerate me.  I am shocked at how strong this is and how deep it runs!

I was talking with a group of friends last week and Jen told me that I REALLY had to work on my self esteem.  That I was capable and qualified and I needed to stop telling myself I wasn't.  She might as well have slapped me.  She is absolutely right.  I tell myself  "I can't" all the time.  By telling myself that, I just confirm and justify the very thing I need to go away.  Last night I was with Nikki and I did it out loud!  I was trying to tell her how much I admire the 5k's and 10k's that she runs and the intense yoga that she does.  She countered with you can do it too and let me know that she walk/runs them and that I can start in a beginner yoga class.  I actually said out loud that "I can't".

I am going to keep exploring this book and see if I can get to the root of why I feel worthless, unacceptable and not good enough.  If I can get past those barriers imagine what I can conquer.

Spread the love people!!  And be good to yourself!