starting over

In a sense I am starting fresh.  I had gotten to a point that I couldn't climb back from.  I was lying to myself if I thought I could.  It was a trip to my doctor earlier in the week and some well put questions from him that hit me.  I hadn't realized how far down I had gone.  Hadn't seen it happening. 

This whole blog was started to push me toward losing the extra weight I was carrying around and yet I had managed to gain back 12 lbs!!!  I had stopped taking all meds.  I was going to the gym, sure, but only because if I don't the pelvic fracture gets so stiff I can't walk.  Depression had struck and sucked me under and I hadn't seen it nor had anyone around me.

The first month after getting hurt was awful, but you take it in stride. I was bored and my doc let me go back to work part time for month 2.  Month 3 was painful but I got to go back to work full time.  Month 4 brought summer and my family goes to the lake.  I couldn't go.  I thought the crutches would be gone no later than the 4th of July and I could get to the lake and be "normal".  Nope.  Month 5.  Progressing but slowly and finally the crutches are gone for good.  Month 6 still limping but getting better.  Can't imagine where the depression snuck in, can you?   I stopped caring about everything, especially me.  I had my pity parties.  Not that they helped at all. 

It took the doctors questions to actually make me see it.  To make me realize that I had gotten so low that I had stopped taking my meds, stopped thinking about taking care of myself.  It took someone who barely knows me to snap me out of it.  I got scolded like a child.  Humiliated.

I went and filled my prescriptions and have taken them faithfully since.  I have been to the gym every chance I get.  I am carrying a journal around and writing down what I am eating and how I am feeling.  I measured myself again.  I need to work on portions and getting back on my eating track but it took me a while to make it work the first time around.  I should be able to get there faster this time. 

I hurt like hell this week and don't know if it is because the weather is changing or if I am just having a bad week.  I have to go to my recheck for my pelvic fracture tomorrow.  I was hoping to come through with flying colors but I am having enough pain that I am limping and am sure that it won't happen.  But I know that I am getting better, even if this week isn't a good indicator of it. 

I am starting over.  I hated getting slapped up aside the head to make it happen but I'm glad it did.  I needed it.