I am out of control

I cannot quit eating portions that are way too big or snacks that I know I don't need.  I eat to celebrate, I eat to pout, I eat when I'm happy, sad, angry, bored, anxious and for every other emotion out there or just because it's there.  None of my darn clothes fit again and I hate myself for it, which just makes me want to eat.  I am horribly unhappy at work, so I go home and eat until I eventually fall asleep.  My self esteem is so low I can't even find it.  I just find myself hating on myself.  I just don't know what to do and I have no motivation to even do anything.  I have excuses.  I can't do yoga or walk because of my hip.  I stomach feels icky so I'm going to take it easy.  My allergies are bad so I'm going to stay inside.  I have more excuses than I have reasons for excuses.

The worst part is that I was given a second chance and I feel like I am ruining it!!  I was given the opportunity to live and I am making a miserable mess of it.  I have got to get my poop in a group and fast!!  Am I happy?  Sure, in the jolly sort of way.  I guess overall, I'm not unhappy.  Are there things I would like to fix, do, change?  Sure.  Everyone has that.  But I want to be active, sexy, funny and living life to the fullest.  I don't feel like I am doing any of that.  At all.  That disappoints me.

On the medical front, all seems well.  I woke up this past Sat with a bloated, full icky feeling.  Had a minor explosion and took some peppermint (my stomach cure all) but still felt icky.  Spent most of the day taking it easy, drinking water and an occasional Coke.  Had a decent supper, meaning no grease or junk food.  Still couldn't shake it.  Woke up with it again Sunday, Monday and still today.  I am eating alright, but I feel icky and have to use the bathroom a lot.  I have only had a few cramps and they are way higher than they used to be.  I guess I will just keep an eye on things for now.  It could be a bug too.  OH!! My hair is growing back in!  I have little chunks that are wispy and about a half inch long coming in.  Too bad they are white!!  One chunk is in my bangs.  That was how I noticed they were coming in.

On to a brighter note.  My youngest daughter turned 16 last week.  She is a wonderful young lady and I couldn't be more proud of her.  She makes me smile.  We celebrated her birthday early when we were in Connecticut with her sister.  A cool, gloomy day but we made the best of it.  We celebrated again a week later at the lake with a bunch of us girls and her dad all going out to eat followed by cupcakes, cheesecake cupcakes and DQ Blizzard cake. (Yes, I see the pattern).  She is working this summer transporting a little girl to and from gymnastics.  She loves it and I think, loves the responsibility that comes with having a young one in the car with you.  So grown up, that one.

I mentioned I was in Connecticut.  The whole family went out there to visit with my oldest daughter and her husband.  He had a few days off of work so we actually got to spend time with both of them. It was glorious!! I  got to meet the people that my daughter works with and tour her husbands workplace.  My highlight of the trip, besides seeing where my son in law spends the bulk of his time, was the Gillette Castle.  I GOT TO GO TO A CASTLE!!!! (insert happy dance!)  I love castles.  So much!!  This one was built by hand out of field stone just like all of the charming little rock walls that dot the New England countryside.  It was built by the actor that played Sherlock Holmes not the Gillette razor people..  If you ever get out that way, you HAVE to go see it.  Every door is hand carved and no two doors are alike.  The latching mechanisms and bolts are all carved even.  All of the windows are adjustable with hand carved latches and such.  He was even smart enough to install a cistern on the upper floor with a hand carved rope and wood pull chain to activate it.  He had designed a bar that he could slide a piece of wood out of and it would lock.  He had a small door installed into the main entry staircase so if he was working and someone knocked, he wouldn't have to run through the entire house to get to the door.  All over the grounds are arches and bridges and pathways made of stone. So charming.  There was a long path that went down to the river below.  From what we had learned in the castle the owner had kept a houseboat down there!   My husband and youngest went down to have a look.  The bedrooms were neither huge or elaborate.  But like the other rooms had hand carved furniture, doors and windows.  All of the walls had woven grasses on them.  Not sure if it was for insulation or a sound thing but it was neat.     Also, Fun Fact:  the actor that built this castle had a Japanese (i think) man servant who went everywhere with him.  He even built him a house on the grounds.  He was part of the family that brought the first cherry blossom tree to DC.

In a roundabout way, that leads me into our houseboat.  I have a floating efficiency apartment.  It is a little slice of heaven.  I love to go down and just sit on it.  We run electricity to it and I have a lamp but other than the occasional fan or heater, I prefer candle light out there.  We have it parked in a little bay off the lake lot that belongs to our extended family.  I call the bay my back yard.  It is full of lily pads and bullheads, turtles and geese, ducks and loons, muskrats and black birds, swallows and even an otter. It is the time of year that I love.  There are baby black birds all over the boat and the cattails, the baby loons are swimming with mom, the ducklings should be out soon and this year I have a baby muskrat!  We have also seen a couple of big snapping turtles making their way in and out of the water to nest.  The big muskrat has swam up within 5 feet of me, the baby has been within 1 foot of my sister in law and the loon has come close to me a couple of times.  The baby birds will land on the rail a few feet from you and pay you no attention.  They are so used to us being there and we never chase or move to quick when they are around to scare them off.  We just live in harmony.  It is so wonderful!  I wish my mom were healthier and able to visit because she would never want to leave.  I tried to plant daisies along the dock but my timing was off.  I planted the seeds and then the guys manhandled the dock out and put in another and shortly after that we got some major downpours.  I am guessing all my seeds washed away.  I might have to try again.  There is someone clearing a lot on the other side of my bay. (I say 'my' because I have claimed squatter's rights to the little patch of water.  OK, not really, but I would if I knew how!)  I'm a little distressed at the prospect of having neighbors and even more saddened by the fact that some of my wildlife might move out if they feel threatened. The people look like they might try to put in a boat and a dock.  It is so odd to see a person back there.  Creeps me out a little still.  Like I'm being spied on or something.   I'm not, of course, but its so new that it just feels weird.

So, today is my birthday.  I'm not too excited about it.  I will be 48.  Yes, 48.  Better than 50, not as good as 40.  My husband, who will be 50 next month likes to remind me that I'm closer to 50 than I am to 40.  I don't much like the reminder.  I dislike birthdays, just saying...

Have a happy day everyone!