Talking with my sister led me to this

I was talking with my sister about my blog and weight and struggles.  She has some of the same problems that I do with food. We were talking genetics.  Most of the women on both sides of my family are built similar to myself and I would bet that we all struggle.  But how do you get around that?  Am I genetically predisposition-ed to be this size or can it be changed?  And how?
I was reading an interview with Channing Tatum about how he stays in shape.  He said that he looks at food as sustenance; something his body needs, not a reward.  NOT A REWARD!?!  I need that mind set.  I look at lunch as a reward for getting through the morning and supper as a reward for making it through the afternoon.  Coffee is my reward for getting out of bed and going to work.  Junk food is my weekend, because "I've earned this" food.  He also said that food isn't something that he enjoys.  WHAT!?!?!  Isn't that what chefs around the world do for a livelihood?  Make food more enjoyable?  I want to say he is missing something but he is in a helluva lot better shape than I am so I guess it is me that is missing something.
I do my fair share of joking about my eating and drinking habits and my body shape but there really isn't anything funny about it.  I have joked about having a cupcake as a meal. Well, I guess it wasn't so much a joke as me trying to make my bad behavior funny.  I know that I have problems.
Today, I brought half of what I call a pizza sandwich (it is a sad substitute for Carbone's) for lunch. And since I mentioned it, I now have to explain that to me Carbone's is the best pizza on the face of the earth.  Why?  Probably because it reminds me of my hometown, hanging out with friends and being a teenager.  Again, food gratification.  Anyway, back to topic.  I brought a half of a pizza sandwich for lunch.  I am immensely proud of the fact that I no longer feel the need to eat a whole one in a sitting. (unless it is an original from Carbone's, then I feel like I have to eat the whole thing and I justify it by saying I am on vacation and I get to)  I really don't need to eat the whole half.  I want to, but I will survive if I don't scarf it down.  When I put it in the fridge, I noticed that I still have cottage cheese in the fridge.  I will have half of my half of pizza for lunch with a small amount of cottage cheese.  I can have the same lunch tomorrow.
I was going to start an exercise program at home with some stretches and some small dumbbells.  It is much more fun to sit on my butt and read.  I started and finished an entire book yesterday.  I have been telling myself for well over a week that I am going to exercise, even if it is just a small amount at first and I simply haven't done it.  I justify it with the fact that I have pain. That really is no excuse.  People who run religiously must have pain but they still run.  I have heard of a runner's high.  I have never experienced it.  The harder I exercise the more I want to eat.  If I ride bike for 10 miles, it had better be to an ice cream shop.  I need the feeling of being thin and healthy and thinking I look better to feel as good and satisfying as my favorite foods or all foods for that matter.
I have a friend who I am incredibly jealous of for all the wrong reasons.  She does yoga, some kind of nutrition boot camp, and has done 5K's and probably half marathons.  She looks amazing to me and I know for a fact that she has pain.  She seems as fit today as we were in our 20's.  She has invited me to join her but I am afraid.  How sad is that?  It's the truth. I am scared.  I'm scared of people looking at me and judging me.  I'm afraid that my inability and unhealthy-ness will lower her opinion of me.  I am scared that I can't physically do it.  So I don't do anything.
Maybe that is a large part of my problem.  I'm afraid.  Maybe it is about overcoming my fear.  My fear of not being satisfied.  You would think that being fat would be a greater fear of being judged than being sweaty and uncoordinated.  But I can eat half a bag of Doritos's and make that go away.  It is like food can shove other feelings aside.  And that is probably what I am really afraid to let go of.  The ability to make it all better with a plate of nachos or a casserole; the ability to turn any meal or snack into a celebration or reward of something.
It's one thing to put all this down on paper.  It's another to attack it head on.  It's just not that easy.  So this is step one.  Acknowledgement.  Step two is change.  I understand the logic behind change and know that it has to be done in small steps.  So today I will eat only half of everything I want and I will attempt to exercise for 5 minutes.  However, if I don't exercise, I will not beat myself up about it.  I will simply do it tomorrow.  I have 4 days to do 10 minutes.  I will also try to drink more water.  I will continue to eat half of what I want to eat for the rest of this week.  But before the week is out, I have to exercise for at least 10 minutes total.  More is good but too high a goal will only bring failure and the need to push failure down with food will sabotage the other half of my plan.  I will not set myself up for that.  Half of what I want to eat, drink more and 10 min of exercise by the end of Friday-that's the goal.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I am usually computer free over the weekend, so I may not get back to this until Monday.  If that is the case, I will continue to eat half of what I want to eat over the course of the weekend and drink more water than I usually do.
I am not a competitor so I don't want to see who can do better than the other, but I will challenge anyone who can relate to this post to join me.  Attempt the goal listed above.  You don't have to tell me about it.  But if you succeed and it makes you feel better about yourself than keep up the good work!  I will let you know how I do and will attempt to post another goal next week.  If I can make this one, I will increase the exercise a little.  Baby steps, right?

Celebrate you!!!