Not too shabby!

I threw my husband a 50th birthday party on Thurs.  It wasn't a total surprise but I do think it was somewhat of a surprise.  There were a bunch of friends and family and lots to drink and all the pizza you could eat.  It was a great night.  It was wonderful to see everyone and he was surprised at how many people came out to celebrate with him!  For those that bought him shots, I will not thank you.  The after effects drug right on into the vacation day that I got him the following day. LOL!  Not to mention the fact that he opened all his gifts right after the party and wouldn't let me write down who gave him what so we have 2 of 3 t-shirts and a shot glass that I have no idea who they came from.  Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate with him and all of the cards and gifts. He is very loved!

I only had 3 small slices of pizza and some wine because I knew that the following day was my weigh in.  I did weigh myself.  I was down a little over a pound!!  Weighed in at 189.2!!  Not a lot but it is something!  And it scored me a $20!! The first of my travel fund.  Considering I hadn't had any water the evening before, that's not too bad.  I have a feeling if I don't get my poop in a group, I'll be paying it back this week though!

On not such a good note, my weekend was hell!  I have a junk food obsession.  I don't have any all week and then I get to the lake and I eat nothing but chips all weekend!  We aren't talking a handful; I'm talking by the half bag!!  I sit and visit or read and drink and fill my face!  Jim put deer sausage down (I don't even like this last batch) and I ate and ate!!   It is crazy!  I definitely have a problem.  It is going to take me all week to make up for it!  Yesterday I was still having junk food cravings and I caved in to them!  I think I brought a little too much for lunch but before I warm it, I will reevaluate.  I did bring a veggie though!

On a better note, in the past, I have gone whole weekends without even having a bottle of water.  This weekend I had at least 5-6.  Not fabulous, but better.  Now if I could avoid Doritos, Cheetos, Lays, etc!  As of Monday, I am back up to my 2 jugs plus more at home in the evening.

My sister is battling her weight as well.   She is going to OA.  I am proud of her.  Many years ago, I tried to go to OA but I couldn't get myself to go inside.  It takes a lot to face something that you find comfort in and to call it an addiction.  Seems like such a dirty word, but then I guess food is a 4-letter word.  I still don't know if I could do it.  Instead, I am taking some self-help classes that I found online.  Last week was 5 days of teleconference style lectures.  I got a lot out of them and had a private session with the instructor.  I am going to read a book she recommended and write some 'never-to-be-read' letters and see if I can get a handle on what emotions make me eat, how to release the negative and why I can't just face the emotions.  There are other aspects of the class but basically my goal is emotions or 'feels' as my girls call them.  I have a ton of feels that I suppress and when they come out it is either in bursts of passive-aggressive anger or depression.  Either way I shove them back down and bury them with a big plate of pasta and life is good.  Realistically, it's not.  I need to learn to deal with emotions.  I have the hardest time being happy.  I'm not.  Not really.  I couldn't tell you the last time I was.  Maybe I never have been.  But I'm going to be.  I didn't tattoo 'Celebrate Everything' on my tummy so I could ignore it.  I look at it every day and it hurts.  It hurts that I don't feel happy.  I don't feel like there is anything to celebrate.  Most days I don't feel anything at all.  I can pull up bitterness, anger, pain and disappointment in a split second.  Happiness, joy, love and gratitude are harder to find; harder to bring forward.  Some days they don't show at all.  I don't want that life.  I realize there are factors in my life that foster the negative and hinder the positive.  I also realize that there must be a way to let go of negative and learn to live without feeding it all the time.  I want to feel again.

If I don't post this soon, I will just keep writing and it will be so long, no one will want to bother with it.  Think positive, (yes, I'm going to try to follow my own advise)  say a prayer for someone who needs one and have a wonderful day.