Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Finding myself

I always feel like I need to start things off with a weight or medical update.  So here it is: I got nothing.  I am healthy.  Fat and healthy.  My hips hurt like there is no tomorrow and I don't know how much longer I can keep on ignoring the pain or taking large doses of naproxen, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen.  In order to lose weight I tried the "make my husband pay me and go for external gratification" thing and that did not pan out.  I didn't gain or lose anything.  I have cut down on what I eat, how much I eat, quadrupled my water intake and am now drinking green tea!!!  Nothing.  So frustrating!  I do not want to go back on pills.  My scars still hurt after a day of waistbands and I don't think that will go away for a very long time.  My stomach acid scar seems to be fading, so there's that...

I started kind of studying this book.  I may have mentioned it in the last post.  It is called "You Can Heal Your Life".  In general, it says that most of what is wrong with you is, in a sense, coming from within you.  Negative spews negative, positive promotes positive.  Being overweight is a cover for something and you need to find what you are shoving down.  Same thing with some pains.  I have been treating this book like a textbook not just a read so it is going slowly and I am trying to take the exercises very seriously.  

So far I have been able to let go of some anger issues that I had that stemmed from my childhood that I wasn't aware I even had.  Even more remarkable is that looking back on my youth and reminiscing with myself I discovered that I really didn't like the person I was or the person I have been.  I come off as shallow, preoccupied with myself , needing to be right and involving myself in things I didn't need to be involved in.  When I dug deeper and asked why; what got me to that, I was shocked at my own answer.  Acceptance.  I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and have never felt accepted.  Even now.  Surrounded by friends and family there are precious few moments when I feel like I am accepted.  That is not saying that my friends and family don't accept me!  It is saying that I do not know how to read it.  I have wanted it for so long that I can't recognize it when it is staring me in the face.  Even in my own household I can feel like an outsider; like I am just there but not a part of the family.  Like they just tolerate my presence.  While logically, I know that it isn't like that at all, I still feel it.  And why?  Why do I feel like that?  Why is this so important?   Where did it start and when?

I can track the conscience feeling of being unacceptable and not being good enough back to grade school but I must have had it before that.  I can honestly tell you that after my dad passed away it escalated.  I can look back at previous relationships/friendships and it is so clear now.  Here's where I would laugh and blame my mother, but that isn't so funny anymore as the reality of things is starting to sink in.  I carried that with me everywhere and it shows.  I still carry it.  I can be sitting with my kids and feel like I'm not good enough to be their mom or at a table with friends and wonder if they really like me or if they just tolerate me.  I am shocked at how strong this is and how deep it runs!

I was talking with a group of friends last week and Jen told me that I REALLY had to work on my self esteem.  That I was capable and qualified and I needed to stop telling myself I wasn't.  She might as well have slapped me.  She is absolutely right.  I tell myself  "I can't" all the time.  By telling myself that, I just confirm and justify the very thing I need to go away.  Last night I was with Nikki and I did it out loud!  I was trying to tell her how much I admire the 5k's and 10k's that she runs and the intense yoga that she does.  She countered with you can do it too and let me know that she walk/runs them and that I can start in a beginner yoga class.  I actually said out loud that "I can't".

I am going to keep exploring this book and see if I can get to the root of why I feel worthless, unacceptable and not good enough.  If I can get past those barriers imagine what I can conquer.

Spread the love people!!  And be good to yourself!

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to that. Having the same mother that puts you down at all times. That lets you know you are not good enough. I can even relate to being an outsider - everywhere. But on the up side. I LOVE being with you. I LOVE hanging out with you. If I should lose my husband I plan on living with you! (kinda kidding, kinda not) I think you are capable of everything. Although, any kind of exercise is going to be difficult with the pain you are enduring.