Onward!

Not even sure where to start.  I guess I always start with my health.   I am still good.  Scars itch like crazy and clothes still bother them but they are fading some.  It has been a year since the surgery to fix my colon ended up with me having the ostomy bag while my punctured intestine healed.  This was the start of the worst 2 months of my life. It  is hard for me to comprehend that it was a year ago.  Seems like it was yesterday.  I remember the time dragging on and on.  I would get up out of bed every day, go to the couch and lay down with the dog.  I didn't have the energy to do anything else.  I would have to rest for hours in order to have the energy to get something to eat and then back to the couch to rest for the next big adventure (usually a trip to the bathroom).  It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  I would watch tv but never comprehend anything I saw. I tried to blog but the effort took me most of the day.  As I sit here thinking about it again I find myself crying.  I thought it would never end.  Even Erin stopped calling because it was too hard for her to hear me that way.  From now through Christmas was a steady decline for me.  I'm thankful that the surgeon agreed to do the surgery early.  I really don't know how much longer I could have continued.  I know that I have gotten past it physically.  My weight has come back (bummer) and my hair has grown back.  I even shed again!  It's the mental that is harder.  It creeps back at you when you least expect it and covers you like a thick fog.  I just have to remember that the sun will come out and burn the fog away.  It always does.

Back to my ongoing weight issue.  I still haven't lost any weight.  Today I went to Complete Nutrition and bought this:  https://www.completenutrition.com/weight-loss/cts360-maximum/  No clue if it will work. It smells like raspberry and I only take 2 a day.  So far I have taken one and my face feels flushed but doesn't look flushed and I am using the bathroom a lot!  I have a slight headache but can't tell if it is related or if I just have a small headache.  I'll keep you posted on this one. 

I love my new job!  The people here are awesome!  They are all so nice.  I am still not doing much but when they give me something I am able to get it right back to them so I think they will learn my capabilities eventually and give me more tasks.  I am so glad I found them. 

I am still working on me and did a retreat that just reinforced everything and made me want to keep going.  I am starting a 13 week online course next.   I did discover that I am very judgy person.  The more I let go of them, the more I see how I was.  I have a huge fear of being judged (so you would think I wouldn't do it, right?) and it keeps me from doing and talking about the things that I enjoy.  My family is probably the biggest part of that.  Will they judge me?  Don't honestly know but I have to get to a place where, if it happens, I am ready to handle it before I can talk about some things.  I did open up to a group of friends about things like the retreat and what all went on and they were so incredibly supportive and interested.  The full circle of that opened my eyes to some other things that I know I need to deal with but I know I am not quite ready yet.  The cards say it is time but I can't step through the door.  I might have to just jump.   I do feel more centered.  My life seems so calm lately.  I think that is a direct correlation to all the study I have been doing.  I am loving it!!  I am spending more time praying and want to do more energy work, like the Reiki.  It is hard to find the time to fit it in.  I am still doing the small tai chi routine that I started.  I have increased it and want to invest in a dvd to learn more than the handful of moves I have memorized.  I imagine doing it on the back of the houseboat in the morning sun when the air is still cool and the lake is calm.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I can go there in my mind and that is enough. 


I have also been spending more time with my friends.  It helps me be stronger and knowing that  they love me no matter what I do or say helps so much!


My little man, Brian, has not been feeling well.  I took him to the vet and they couldn't quite figure anything out.  I have a feeling he is just getting to the end of his life.  He has pretty much quit walking in the mornings.  He tried this morning for the first time in a week and we only went 2 blocks.  When I got him home he needed me to carry him up the 7 steps into the living room.  Makes me sad.  I know that he won't live forever and that he has had a good run with us.  Knowing I have been able to make him comfortable and safe gives me a good feeling. 


I think I need to get going so take care!!  Remember that you are good enough-no matter what!