Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

As we move into 2016, I reflect on where I was and how far I have come in a year.  I started this year out weak and recovering from being horribly ill, not thinking about God at all, and trying not to be depressed, wondering what I did to deserve my fate, and hating myself.  As I have moved through the year I have come to the realization that I am here because I'm not done.  I was so close to death, more than once and I am still here.  There must be a reason; something unfinished, and I need to figure out what that is.  I started some self-help stuff, did Reiki, learned to talk to God, went to a weekend retreat and learned that I need to love myself and have tried to live life to the fullest.  Needless to say, it is a slow process.   

I have had some insights:   I like talking to God.  I don't love myself.  I am a binge eater.  I can be a total bitch.  I'm a mess and so is my house.  I want to write a book.  I am always going to have digestive issues.  I'm a crier. 

I bet the binge eater caught you off guard.  Years ago, a friend mentioned how fast I eat when we would be at lunch; that I can carry on a conversation and still be done eating an entire meal before she is even halfway done.  For some reason, this came to the forefront of my awareness this fall.  I had heard the term binge eating and did some research and, lo and behold, I fit the characteristics perfectly.  As 2015 leaves me, I find myself near my highest weight again.  My life is unmanageable and so I eat.  I eat when no one is looking and then pretend I didn't eat at all.  I eat the entire time I cook and then eat the meal also.  I eat twice as fast as anyone I know.  My clothes don't fit and I hate myself more and more.  It is hard to look in the mirror and tell myself I am loveable and that I love myself when I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

The "I want to write a book" probably caught you off guard too.  I have for years.  I used to make outlines of a story plot and then never write the book.  This time I came up with a scene that I could build a story around and so I actually wrote it down.  I have built the story a little but time is hard to find.  Especially with all the classes and journaling.  If I get really involved, I may have to give up Facebook.

With the onset of 2016, I am looking at a lot of self help.  I joined a "Detox" support group. It is to detox from what ever it is that you need to detox from.  You pick what demon you want to exorcise.  I am going to work on learning that food is not a crutch, it is necessary for life and that I need to eat to stay alive and not to hide.  I can easily tell you what needs to be done.  It is learning to do it that is so dang hard.  I have to work on actions and habits.  If it is joining Overeaters Anonymous, getting counseling, journaling or whatever I can find to get me to a healthy place, I have to learn how to do it to be healthy again. 

As I close this for the day and the year, I want to tell you all to be appreciative and grateful for the people that love you.  Thank God for your life and health, for His awesome presence, and remember that you are very fortunate.  There are people in this world who are cold, hungry, sick and alone. Pray to your Divine Team. Try to do something kind and hug everyone you can.   EVERY DAY!

Happy New Year!!!  May 2016 bestow upon you all the abundance, love and good health that this universe has to offer.

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