Friday, February 26, 2016

Sorry it's been so long, I was in class

Hello!!  It is February 26th!  I haven't been here in forever!  I feel good and life is good!  I still have digestion/bowel problems that I am learning to live with and I think I always will. On that I will refrain from letting you in on my bathroom habits.  Part of that kind of bites but I am still here so that part Rocks! 
My family is good and healthy (for the most part).  My sister got her hip replaced and is back to work now!  So happy for her!  My hip pain has gotten better recently.  I think it is related to the class I took.

So I took this Detox Your Life class.  That is where I have been for the past month and a half. Two words: LIFE CHANGING.   I would recommend it to everyone who has an issue of some sort even if you don't think you do.  We scratched the surface of self sabotage, body image, stuffing emotions, addictions, always saying yes, anger, guilt, trust, worrying about what others think and so much more.  44 days of journaling.  I went through a whole notebook  and because we scratched the surface, I want to do it again.  There is a closed Facebook group associated with it and I found that to be super helpful.  Some days you could be a cheerleader for someone and others someone would be there for you.  It was an awesome experience and I loved it.  If you are interested in it, the link is here:
Now that it is done and I have taken a step back and looked at myself, I can see that I am more controlled; more peaceful.  By that I mean that I get less caught up in the drama that unfolds around us all day, it takes me much longer to get angry, I see good all around me and I feel like a different person.  Or maybe like I can be a different person.  I still am working on things; like not getting frustrated when someone's behavior doesn't match up to what I think it should or having to always control the situation.  I am a work in progress.

Now, I know, I can say these things but am I living it?  I think I am.  I wish I could describe how differently I feel.  I feel like the fog is gone; like everything is brighter, like the weight is gone and everything is lighter.  That sounds so cliché but it's true.  I am going to tell you why I think what I have been doing is working (and yes, I know that I sound like I am trying to sell you something). 

First, lets talk about my pain.  If you remember the book I read a while back "You Can Heal Your Life", that talked about ailments in you coming from you.  I read the book, soaked it in, but couldn't quite make it work.  The basis of the book was to love yourself but I just wasn't pushed over the edge.  This Detox class helped push me.  So, back to the pain.  Awful pain, limped all the time.  Both hips giving me trouble.  I have very little pain right now.  I still have a medical problem but unless I am on my feet and/or standing still for long periods, I do just fine.  Now you can believe what you want but I also need to tell you that every single pound that I lost and journaled about since the beginning of this blog is back on me.  All of it.  Now, for someone with hip issues, that should make it worse and it's not getting worse at all.  It seems to be lightening up!  I let it go too long so it will still need to be fixed but it is manageable-at least for me.

The other thing that makes me think I am living it is that after the first of the year, the girl that sat next to me at this totally awesome job started behaving oddly.  She was snappy and seemed angry at me all the time.  I didn't really think too much about it.  I'm here to do a job.  I can get along with just about anyone, so whatever.  Another couple of weeks go by and I swear she has been setting me up to fail.  She would give me a task but never tell me quite how to do it or only give me part of the info I would need.  Or she would tell me to order a specific thing from a certain place and then when it would come wrong and people would complain, she had me to blame.   If I asked a question she would snap at me so violently that I chose not to ask her anything if I didn't have to.  I would fish around and come up with the answers I needed.  I felt awful for thinking that she was doing it on purpose.  She was a very nice person, she would never do that.  Everyone loves her.  It must be me.  As the next week or 2 pass, I find that I have completely stopped talking at work.  I'm not greeting people and talking to her-even small talk- is nearly impossible.  I sit all day next to her and try to figure out why all of the sudden this person is so angry and is it me?   It seems to be directed at me so it must be coming from me.  Part of me wants to come unglued on her and just tell her how she is behaving and what I think of it but the other part of me knows that none of that will do anything except escalate the situation into something I have no desire to deal with.   (One of the things that was said, somewhere along the path of the class was to react from a place of love.  I kept running that through my head.  Also, that her emotions are hers; not mine.  I can't change or fix what I do not own.)  So I sit, quietly and think of how lucky I am to have this job and how blessed I am.  One day she just explodes.  Completely out of the blue and in front of another co-worker.  It was awful.  I tried to speak to her but she wasn't having any of it so I gave up and sat in tension filled silence all day wondering how to escape.  The next day she did it again!!  Again, I sit in quiet stupor not knowing how to fix this awful, awkward situation and still not knowing what even happened or how we got to this place!  Sometime, mid afternoon, she got up cleared her desk off and told me she wasn't coming back.  I was dumbfounded.  I guess she emailed the boss and partners but I don't know what was said or why she left like she did.  All I can say is that through the whole stressful, tension filled situation, I remained calm.  If anything I was frustrated at not being able to work things out but I never got caught up in the drama or became angry with her.  Looking back, I have no guilt whatsoever about how I handled myself.  I truly believe that I can thank the Detox class and what I learned for that. 
If that same situation would have happened a year ago I would have done everything except post it to Facebook!  I would have been mouthing off to anyone who would listen to me and the first thing out of my mouth would have been "I hate her" when, really, I don't.  I'm telling you: Life changing!  

This class has opened my eyes up to how I can control myself and let go of trying to control everything around me and how being positive and happy has a way of settling in and making itself at home. I still have a long way to go and am going to take the class again.  Rylee pointed out some areas in my life where I am hanging on to negative energy, so I am focusing on that.  I am going to take this class again starting in March.

I am loving life.  I spread myself kind of thin sometimes between social activities but I am loving every minute of it.  Speaking of spreading myself thin, I recently went home for a visit and to take my mom to Target.  After spending the morning with mom, we went to play Bingo wit a couple of girlfriends from high school.   When I finally got there it was 7 friends from high school!!  What a great day!  I wish I wouldn't have had so much to do and so much on my mind because I didn't enjoy my time like I wanted to but it was still wonderful!  It is hard when you are in town for a mere 30 hours to accomplish everything.  Sometimes my head just buzzes with all of the different things I have to get done while I am there.  But it was a fantastic weekend.  I got to spend time with my mom and sister and my niece!  Then my friends.  And best of all was having Rylee with me for the weekend.  Although she always wants to explore, which takes up time that I am already limited on, but I want to also!!  She makes me feel like a kid again and I get to see the world thru a new set of eyes.  She is a great roadtrip buddy.

OK, I had better post this since I have revised it 3 times due to the fact that I keep saving and not publishing,  Have a great day, a wonderful weekend, be positive and open to all that is around you and love; simply LOVE!


1 comment:

  1. I love you so much. I can't wait to come home so we can spend time together and talk about these things you are learning and changing. Less than 6 months now!